Yesterday I think I begun to snap. My BPD Mood swings were driving me to think rather worrying thoughts. And I know why, and I'm trying to tell myself I am okay, I've tried to please everyone as far as I can remember, but it's always come at a price. I gave up trying to fit in, because I will never fit in as I don't like normal. Normal isn't necessarily bad but it's definitely not me. When I say normal I mean what society expects you to be, think, feel, dress the whole shebang. And yeah I've dealt with bullies from the first day of school even til now. And yesterday I found myself hating myself again, because I wanted to drive off a bridge, because I cannot think like everyone else in my community. I know that there are some awesome people but there is a lot of people who probably would stamp on my head if they ever met me. I've been arguing with them, trying to help them learn to be more open minded and accepting of "outsiders" and I have had enough. I felt so angry with myself because I cannot change their minds or their views on others. I felt like I was letting down the people I was defending. I felt like a failure. I'm already an outcast so that's not exactly a burn, I earnt that badge of honour probably highschool maybe primary I don't know. I know I was weird, I know my behavior was probably different, I didn't know how to control feelings or even know the words to express them. I didn't even know mental illness actually existed way back. Lately I've been worrying myself over my PIP Re-assessment decision, it's been six weeks and I've still not heard anything it's like a form of torture to me. Despite answering very honestly about things I still don't believe people believe me. I still feel I have to constantly prove how sick I am. I guess shit has got on top of me to the point where I don't feel safe. I refuse to hospitalise myself because in my local MH ward they were raping/assaulting patients and shut down. I got in too deep, and I've disowned an entire community because of racism, I'm not ashamed of that, I'm ashamed that I failed to change their minds. Maybe I am too upset, I feel so low, and ridiculous for caring so much, I just need a break.