Venus Retrograde in my 12th _
House of Solitude
Live Streaming Consciousness
Lately, I’ve been like a cat under the bed, awaiting death. Slowly spending more time alone, until I disappear. Time was an endless horizon of pleasure and purpose. Now, it’s a standstill, until the void consumes me.
Even a lifetime of dark thoughts, wondering when and how I’ll end, interspersed amid my routines, the reality of death upon me now is far different. Those silly mind games of pretend are a joke without a physical price to pay and a safety of unknowing is there — I never would have known, until loaded and locked into the barrel of mortality’s gun and can feel the pressure difference. There is no preparing, other than to live full and strong of heart, to be ready to go at the drop of a hat.
In crossing that line, many things don’t matter any more – things that are life. The longer I live like this, the more desensitized I am. I look the same, which makes it easy to think me normal — which is what I want, but I’m not. Not sure how that works, but levity is depleteing and my nonsense radar is constantly registering static. Yet, I don’t want to talk about disease, be a charity case or deal with awkwardness. Alone, everything is as I want it and no one to tell me otherwise. It’s like when I’d explain what it’s like working by myself, “I’m the prettiest girl in the office.”
#Scorpiolife #solitude #hibernation #donotcompute #scorpioseason #solitudeisfreedom #lonliness
#dramaqueen #scorpiowoman #awkward #charitycase #walkingworstcasescenario #thinking #pensive #introvert #bitchplease #stage4cancer #antisocial #deathhappens #existentialism #therapeutic #lifeanddeath #metastaticbreastcancer #cosmic #stories #astrology #despair #leavemealone #payattentiontome #coping