TW⚠️ I’m just gonna jump straight on in with tonight’s update. As always recently, there’s a trigger warning so don’t read if you’re not ready to. •
Today, I had the funeral of my childhood/early teens boyfriend. Obviously, all his family were there and his mum came and hugged me which was just so sweet of her! I’ve never laughed at such precious memories, then cried at the idea of never seeing him again and saying goodbye, so much! Grief is horrific and grief mixed with BPD and all my other mental health is the worst, I’d rather have a dislocated hip for the rest of my life instead of dealing with grief. An amazing man, gone way too soon who will never be forgotten💔.
I was then pissed by 12:30 this afternoon, because I’m a lightweight😂. I tried my very best to make sure that it wasn’t so I could drown my sorrows, and that it was for celebrating his inspiring life. But when you’re feeling that lost that’s easier said than done, especially considering that was my first proper fluid intake of the day full stop. I don’t think my body liked me very much for that one, but what’s done is done I guess.
This evening though, for the first time in over a year I wanted to leave the house, not tell anyone where I was going and turn my phone off. I used to do this all the time as a very unhelpful ‘way of coping’, but I managed to stop that. I don’t even know what happened tonight, it was just so impulsive and a ‘I don’t give a fuck’ few minutes though, luckily I managed to calm myself down and I went to the shop with my PA instead so that I was still away from the house until I was fully calm enough to go back. I reallyyyyyyy don’t want to full back into that self destructive cycle of leaving with no warning and turning my phone off. “It’s not helpful Esh, it’s not helpful at all”🙃
On a positive note though, I’ve managed evening snack tonight🙌🏻. Me:1- Anorexia:0! A huge thank you goes to my girl @livinghorror for staying on the phone to me and even telling my mum that she’ll make sure I have something. You’re the best angel, I love you endlessly🥰.
Thank you all for your continued love and support. It really does mean a lot, stay strong lovelies💚