With a shaking hand and a more confused mind I type his number for exactly the 11th time.
And this time I dial it. The phone is ringing and I am thinking about how I could not dial his number for 10 times because I didn't know if he will answer it and if he does I didn't know what I will talk about.
Phone is still ringing and I wonder why is he taking so long, is he ignoring it?
Just as I am about to disconnect the call, he picks it up.
Me: *hey where are you why you took so long to respond* hello
Me: *it's been 4 days now and I don't know what's it, I don't know what's bothering me but there is something and I'm getting weaker and weaker.* how are you?
He: I'm good.
Me:*thinking what to say next*
He: I'll call you later
Me:*no don't do that .. at least not now please.. I need you* you're busy?
He: yes, I am outdoors.
Me: *I need you here , and what you are doing is really that important* what are you doing?
He : I'm with my friends, playing.
Me:*that's the important work!* Oh
He: disconnects the call
Confused about what just happened, I stare at my phone and wonder nothing.
I open my call list and think why did I even call him after not dialing his number for 10 times.
I know what I want. I know I am sad, empty and out of control. I know I need to talk but I have nothing to talk about. I know I need someone to listen to my nothing.
And more than that, I know I need to cry. I need to cry as long as I want to, as long as I can, as long as I run out of tears.
That's it. That's all I need. I just need to cry and this emptiness of last few days will be over.
But. I can't. I can not cry. Even if I try to, I can not do it. I don't know what has made it so difficult.
But I know it is making everything else difficult too.
On the 5th day streak of feeling nothing, losing control, and increased emptiness, I laugh at my failed attempt of crying and delete his call from my call list
and I wonder,
Why is it that having a shoulder to cry on makes crying easier? ~ Komal Pungalia