So, on a day that started with a battle already; the Girl was ‘poorly’ apparently and didn’t want to go to school so sat feigning tears into her cereal bowl, still in her pyjamas at 7.55. Me thinking; can I be bothered with this fight? but if I don’t, it means another letter advising her attendance has fallen below the expected minimum of 110%, impacting hugely on her learning, quietly labelling her - and me - a failure, despite being grossly incorrect seeing as she’s achieved over 82% in her last reports and nine ‘send to’s’ for outstanding work this term… don’t even; -I-am-just-not-going-to-entertain- that-bullshit-so-get-off-your-arse-get-dressed-get-to-school thought process, shoeing her and the puppy in the car to make the 8am bus by the skinny of our teeth; the Girl says to me ‘has Aida farted?’ to which I replied, glancing quickly into the back of the car ‘Er, nope, She’s taken a shit…’ I spend the rest of the day de-cluttering and getting rid of stuff that’s beginning to weigh me down, it’s highly emotional yes but a long, long overdue needs-must and as I’m taking apart and cleaning up the spare bed that’s being collected imminently, I flip over the foot board to notice it’s covered in tiny- weeny stickers!! Brilliant; like I have time for this, you pest… I’m scraping away potentially seven years of stuck down sticky stuff, smiling, imagining you two engrossed in your little world, I find a strand of hair. Obviously not mine although it’s blonde so it can’t be the Girl’s; it’s long, very long and stuck firm under a sticker; it must be yours…
It stops me in my tracks; Where do I go what that? Here I am, staring at a moment long, long lost but a moment right in the here and now reminding me, if I ever needed it, of the nothingness since; I can’t even begin to verbalise how that makes me feel - least of all internalise and process the myriad of emotions that hit me all at once in an instance… How do I deal with that ? The not every day but my every day, emotional. shit?
The same way I did earlier I guess, clear it up and carry on with my day, smiling only on the outside….