Sunday night can only mean two things, songs of praise and a few hours on Tinder with a Gin.
I swipe right for every chuff and if I have a match I have a standard paragraph that I just copy and paste and send out with a little run down of my monky self. You think I have time to have more than one on the go? I'm bloody busy me. Can't be bothered with all fluffy stuff just go in for the jugular.
Monk hit list
GSOH (good sense of hats)
Be 3ft plus
3-6years old (Hey I like an older boy they are good at colouring in)
Must like raisins, UFC, wrestling, plums, slides, dancing fast, teletubbies and balls.
Preferably no divorcees or kids. I dont like kids.
Must have the following: 2 eyes, 1 mouth and a nose. Preferably in all the right places.
Must treat me like a princess - take me to nice play centres and food establishments.
Must always buy me desserts. As standard.
No tight chuffers, this prinny can eat!
Be nice to my dad (My dad's a beast so this affects my queues of boyos massively, PROPER ANNOYING. I usually tell them hes a bit shy of 5ft. Not 7ft. Yes I lie, what you gonna do? Tell me Mam? Good one). Drive a decent whip. (No scooter drivers need apply). No bad jeans. Just can't do it.
Home owner (wendy house is fine.)
Must be interested in fitness like me. (Well, my head is but my belly is rebelling. Ruthless.)
Must be fast over 5 yards and can 2 foot tackle. Standard. Not wasting my time with wall flowers.
Must be good at headers and throws a decent dab.
If you know anyone who maybe suitable please send CV, references, 10 headshots (unfiltered), 3 video clips and a bag of buttons to me mam.
P.S Don't mention any of this to my Dad as he would go off his nut. No idea how I'm going to get Magaluf past him, already bloody booked it for next year.
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