About 2 years ago I found a regular meditation practice and my life began to shift in the most beautiful ways (see post before last) I followed along the @1giantmind 12 step course. Around day 8 I was hooked. Today is day 1 of a 10 day silent meditation retreat. A total disconnect to reconnect... to find my base level. I mean think about it- for 29 years (or however old you are) day after day- input, reaction, input reaction an endless loooooooop. No time for reflection let alone digging deeper. A lot of people question why- my mom even asked if it was a cult But really it’s the ratio of silence to mindless chatter that is insane! Or maybe the fact that we have this life long relationship but never really get to know ourselves! Imagine living with someone you never spoke to ♀️ 10 days of silence after 29 years of chatter is nothing really. The more I listen the quieter it gets. The quieter it gets the more I understand. The more I understand the more I grow.
See you guys sometime around the 17th. All of my love.
In 6 days I’m attending my first Vipassana retreat. 10 days of 🧘🏽♀️ The nerves are real- my hands are a bit trembly as I write this. Meditation has changed my life. Sounds cheesy, I know- but keep reading.
Attending the retreat right as 2017 and my 20’s come to an end doesn’t seem to be a coincidence. It’s time. I know this too will be transformative beyond words.
It took so many lows- rock bottom moments to accept softness, vulnerability, love and silence.
It wasn’t the countless phones broken out of anger- no, not the broken windows, holes in walls and bruised hands. Nope- I was “strong” SO “strong”. It wasn’t the countless physical fights I got into, not leaving school due to fighting. Not even the time I punched my mom. No- I was the only one I needed.
Not the countless embarrassing moments or lost friendships and relationships as a result of my anger.
Not even the time I was facing assault charges.
A little more than two years ago the facade of strength came crumbling down.
It took a compiled series of life changing events like my 5 year relationship ending + an angel (@mackenzieyoga) being brutally honest with me and how she saw my recent actions and behaviors as way less than attractive.
A slap in the face I needed- and from someone I so deeply love and admire.
To be continued // photo by @johnonelio
I climbed for 3+ hours yesterday.
Wanna know something? I think I’m ready to admit I like climbing more than yoga asana. Yoga of course makes my climbing style possible (for instance this climb is basically yoga on the wall) so they go hand in hand and I’ll always love and respect my practice. But climbing, oh man. It’s the one thing I can do for hours and hours, day after day without even remembering the concept of time. In a flow. My flow. A moving meditation. Never more connected to my breath. A constant physical challenge and a puzzle for my brain. A supportive community yet- a solo mission.
Hey @aloyoga I fucking love you guys. The ways in which you’ve changed my life are unquantifiable and impossible to articulate. And so. Really only one thing comes to mind- Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you, I love you, I love you.
Photo by @nadii_a
I swam so hard, for so long (like 15 minutes cause I have zero endurance) trying to keep up with these dolphins I eventually started to hyperventilate from lack of oxygen and the tour guide kindly suggested I hop back on the boat ♀️ Photo by @shawnpila
What if you go through your entire day with this idea that it isn’t about you.
What if every interaction and experience you choose to step into the role of supporter, encourager, uplifter, empower’er- there would be no time or space for self doubt, fear or anything else that holds us back. We are preoccupied with someone else’s happiness, success and experience.
So try it just for today.
Because really- it isn’t about you at all. It never was.
Photo by @lukewooden for @aloyoga w/ @joshkrameryoga
Close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths. Repeat these words until you mean it from the depths of your soul- “thank you. thank you. thank you. I love you. I love you. I love you.” Send it far and wide. To those who will go without. To those who have helped you. To your mistakes. To your neighbor. To your mom and dad. To the universe. To you.
Oh hi again. It’s been a minute since I’ve posted. I guess I like to think of @instagram as a conversation and when I don’t have anything of value to post (say) I tend to hold my thoughts. I often apply the 3 gates of speech to life- is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
Anyway. Last week a good friend took his own life and it caused me to take a long hard look at my life. At my path, my struggle with depression, my desires, drives, shortcomings, strengths and so on. Lots and lots of quiet time lately. Lots and lots of productivity. Peeling back layers and looking at to do’s and goals I swept under the rug ages ago.
I feel as if I’ve emerged from cave in which I lived many, many years in just a week. Hey life- thank you. Hey life- I’m here. Hey life- let’s fucking do this.
Photo by @lukewooden for @aloyoga
In a moment we are reminded of our fragility and our impermanence.
The pillars of our life that seem unshakable and constant can too, disappear in an instant.
I once had a friend who believed in me when I didn’t, gave me a place to stay when I followed my dreams and didn’t have a dollar to my name... sometimes even fed me.
You never believed in spirits, souls or energy. You even teased me because I do. This morning I find myself hoping more than ever it’s all true and you’re out there somewhere still. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Photo by @shawnpila
“I'm a dirt road in the headlights
I'm a mama's boy, I'm a fist fight
Kinda county line, kinda cold beer
Little hat down, little John Deere
I kinda give a damn
I kinda don't care
You see that girl standing right there
She loves a small town boy like me”
I heard this for the first time on our way to the airport and it just seemed so perfect. @caleyalyssa and I both grew up in small towns, with farm animals and simple upbringings. We don’t mind not showering for days, sleeping on the floor or getting scratched and bruised all in the name of adventure. She’s the only girl I know who’s as freakishly strong as me- built farm tuff, ready for anything. Of all the places we’ve been together I think Hawaii suites us best. So grateful to have found myself a little hillbilly at heart! #friendship#loveandalliscoming#hawaii