I’ve generally been off the grid for about a month. Little check ins here and there.
But mostly- just been present to life- which seems to be occurring for me at a rapid rate... more than usual. I’ve been camping in the jungles of Costa Rica- finding my voice, pushing my body in thigh high snow in California, I turned 30 somewhere in Singapore and meditated in the rice patties of Bali. Connecting and loving. Feeling my heart and consciousness expand. And then.
Coming back to the hash reality of the human experience. The duality. And no I’m not referring to all the drama here on Instagram (not to diminish anyone’s very REAL reality) But I’m speaking to the bombings in Texas, Stephen Hawking passing- reminding me of my impermanence, more and more on climate change, endangered species dying off, air strikes in Syria killing innocent children and too many embarrassing trump moments to quote. The sad part is you could go on forever. About all the sad, heart breaking sh*t.
My tiny brain can’t comprehend the why while my giant heart couldn’t be any heavier.
I waiver between disappearing- turning off the reality or getting involved- attempting to make a difference.
A local in Bali said to me “we may not be rich- but here in Bali everyone has a home, everyone has food, we work hard and love hard.” Those words struck me like a rogue wave. Everyday I watched women and men work hard, so hard and always with a smile. Always with a friend, community and family. Seemingly unaware of all that they don’t have yet so f*cking aware. Rich in an abundance of love and joy for all that they do have.
I don’t even really know how to close this.
Perhaps it isn’t meant to be wrapped up with a pretty bow. Maybe there isn’t a clean takeaway.
Oh and I AM eternally grateful for the clothes on my back that I simply couldn’t afford. Thank you @aloyoga#sponsored
Photo by @kaylala88
I miss you. About 4 months ago you decided that this earth was not for you.
For most of your 41 years you fought the urge to leave us.
You were the only person who ever understood me- without judgement or an attempt to sculpt. Just an open heart and open ears.
We exchanged this idea of “I don’t want to kill myself- I just don’t want to be alive anymore.” For years, 8 years to be exact. In contrast-
You helped make my dreams possible.
When I didn’t have money you let me live in your spare room. You fed me when my bank account was overdraft.
Some days it seems to hurt like the moment I heard you were gone. Today is one of them. Today I celebrate my life- 30 years to be exact. I can’t help but thank you and every other miracle that has kept me here. Everything has brought me to this moment right here, right now.
Your passing shook me to the core and I thought once and for all I was done with the oh too familiar dark thoughts, thoughts of suicide or lack of desire to continue with this lifetime. It would be a lie if I said I haven’t dipped back into that place since. But what I can say is that it’s different. It doesn’t last as long. Instead of days or weeks it’s only moments and then something inside me refuses to allow it to sit and it just melts away. Maybe that’s you? Are you my angel?
So. I don’t know. I guess- in the kindest and most loving way possible, I’ll let you be my shit show. I love you and I wish you were here to see me all growd up.
A few posts ago I wrote about leaving your 9-5 and pursuing what really lights you up.
I think most of you got it, but some of you didn’t seem to understand what I was saying. A lot of people clung to Yoga specifically. FAR from my point.
Let’s digest it a bit more.
The way I see it is every single human on this earth has a superpower. A talent. A passion. A calling.
And so many of us never discover it. Or worse- we don’t trust it or pursue it.
It would be like salt denying its role- acting like pepper. How bland would food be?
Like a fish trying to climb a tree.
A constant struggle.
And globally speaking we NEED you. Whatever that means. Imagine if the people working to cure cancer decided to be accountants for security. If a hero solider had decided to do anything else? If the artists of the world decided to give up and “do something more reliable” all the beauty that would be missing.
ALSO- uhhh companies go under all the time. NOTHING is guaranteed. So why cling to it?
Maybe it isn’t feasible to leave today, tomorrow or even next year.
But unless you shift your perspective and begin to take those steps toward the future you want it’s out of your hands... and that’s the scariest reality of all.
You can fucking do this.
Still think I’m full of shit and have no idea what the next step is? DM me. I’d love to chat and help in any way I can. Even if it’s just listening with a kind heart. I love you guys.
Photo by: @the_southern_yogi
It blows my mind to see my practice after 12 years, still progressing leaps and bounds. Mentally, spiritually and physically.
I don’t know how I was so lucky to have found Yoga and even more lucky to still be so infatuated.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I love you, I love you, I love you. // photo by @the_southern_yogi
I got a DM last night “I wish I could quit my corporate job and teach yoga!”
News flash. You can literally do anything you fucking want. Only YOU decides your reality.
So- if you’re salty AF about your 9-5, if you’re thinking “fuck me- it’s Wednesday, only two more days until the weekend.” You’re doing yourself and everyone else a disservice.
This global community needs YOU.
Your brightest light.
Your rawest talents and passions.
You guys took me so literal with my post yesterday. About the #igiveup. If you know me then you know I’d never give up on love. I’ll probably have a new boyfriend next month ♀️ But just like uuuuuugh really? Again? And if you guys think I’m open with you- imagine what an ex knows 🤫 haha- kidding? anyway. Honestly I’m only just getting staaaarted with love. Only just beginning to understand what it means not only to love and love and love- but to be loved and to let it in! @envisionfestival was such a special experience for me. The fucking love you expressed. I remember sitting on the stage, not sure wtf I was even saying but it felt right- and based off the tears and smiles I think you felt it too. Absolute magic. I won’t ever be the same. THANK YOU. I (love) you.
I told you “i love you” and you didn’t say anything back.
I told you I loved you because I meant it.
I told myself you loved me and would tell me someday.
You proved me wrong when we broke up and not a single emotion was on your face.
Maybe hurried or inconvenienced.
But certainly not sad or hesitation.
Eventually, I too knew we weren’t right.
My soul would yell it at me at least once a day.
And yet I sit here on the first morning after, sad to be alone.
Sad to have touched and simply-become strangers once again.
Sad to start over.
But mostly sad that you never loved me.
Recently- while in Costa Rica I experienced Prayer for the first time.
I met Mother Earth and the divine feminine- I bowed in her presence.
In contrast- I also- for the first time truly accepted my darkness. No- I fell in LOVE with my darkness. I saw how despite the fact that my soul resides in that dark space- that I- I am all love.
I was taught that my darkness and raw power isn’t something to “overcome” or “work through” but rather a beautiful gift, a blessing- and the only thing that NEEDS to happen is learning to love and harness it. #balance
To everyone who came to my class at @envisionfestival on Sunday- Wow.
You showed the fuck up and by doing so demanded that I too show up fully. It was terrifying and incredibly liberating.
You did all that I asked of you and more.
There were tears and smiles and a whole lot of love.
I (love) you.
Only love exists between you and I.