Let’s keep it real... Infertility and Postpartum. .
Unfortunately, infertility doesn’t just go away once you get that positive pregnancy test. Infertility isn’t just when you are trying to conceive. It has lasting effects. It stayed with me and caused lots of anxiety during my pregnancy. I was hyper aware of every symptom or lack of symptoms. Every little thing worried me. I mean, after 5 years of my body failing me... why was I supposed to trust that it was going to do what it was supposed to to keep the pregnancy full term and healthy? It was rough. .
Then once baby was here, it would all go away right? Nope. Infertility still had its grasp on me. The anxiety intensified. I was good in the hospital. But once we left, I had an anxiety attack on the drive home. I couldn’t see him from the front seat and was terrified he wasn’t breathing in his car seat. Then him laying flat in his crib worried me due to his spitting up episodes in the hospital when we needed to suction him. Then at his first appt, he wasn’t gaining enough weight yet with me exclusively breastfeeding so we had to add in pumping to track his ounces. Then he got his first cold at 3 weeks old. All these things were rough for me to deal with, emotionally. .
Now, infertility effects me physically as well. It has greatly effected my milk supply. At only 12 weeks, we are heavily supplementing with formula to make up for what my body can’t provide for him. Again, feeling like my body is not only failing me...but failing my precious boy. A tough, TOUGH pill to swallow. I’ve tried everything I can to help this, but infertility is stronger than the supplements, endless power pumping sessions, or any kind of lactation cookie that exists. .
Then there’s the daunting thought of future treatments needed for more kids. There’s also my unresolved feelings toward my delivery that I still haven’t talked much about as it was a little traumatizing. .
My anxiety has leveled out and I feel like I have a better grasp on motherhood. Mr.Knox, you are worth every bit of it.
Ladies, you are not alone. No matter what stage you’re in, you are STRONG.