If I am honest about it...this is a really difficult time for me. I’m sure for some people the introduction of spring symbolizes the start of a lot of adventures and fun. For me, it is the start of a season that reminds me of a time I almost did not survive. It is the reminder of being curled in the corners of my apartment crying and screaming...of spending endless hours on my couch and then crawling back to my bed...of feeling desperately alone but but having no ability or even desire to communicate with anyone else...of hearing a haunting voice getting louder and more frequent in delivering an internal message that there was nothing left...that nothing mattered...that it was all over. Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful for the sense of optimism I have for this summer and the opportunity to experience my new home in this season. But that doesn’t remove the memories I still have from last summer...and that’s what is scary. The smell that greets me when I step into my apartment or the studio, and I am hit square in the chest with all the same anger, sadness and paranoia I lived through last year. The quiet days at the studio remind me of the isolation and thoughts of abandonment. I may not believe in deities or angels or demons...but there is a spirit that lingers for those of us who live in and through the realities of mental health struggles and addiction. And this spirit can take shape or scent in any number of ways and take us back to moments we would much rather pretend never existed. But much like seasons returning with the sights, sounds and smells that accompany them, so will the haunting memories of experiences that have shaped us into the survivors we have now become. // @littlecalamityphotography took this photo the day before she left town and we were on our way to explore neighborhoods in Chicago. I was going through a lot in this moment. Thank you for being there for me Sam. // If any of you are struggling with or know someone struggling with thoughts of suicide, please know there is help. You can call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 24/7 at 1-800-273-8255 and it is always free and confidential!