I walk halfway towards you and stop. Like every other sad day I blame you today as well for abandoning me. They said to me you could have lived. I don't know how much of it was the truth but you're not here so I don't know what to make of it. I always had to figure out everything on my own. It helped me grow but there were days when I laid down in frustration in the middle of my room because things didn't make sense to me or because I was tired of having to do everything on my own.
I remember the first day of my highschool. I was nervous and scared of going to a new school. I wanted someone to accompany me but it was another one of those days when my wishes were water and the world was drowning. My feet had forgotten how to walk and I was standing in my room blaming you for not loving me enough. If you loved me enough, you would have chose to live. You wouldn't have opened the door when you knew it was death knocking and looking for you.
People assume I have made peace with your absence because I am used to it but only I know the truth. Making peace with it would mean accepting that you are gone and you won't ever come back and that I should move on but I can never do that. I don't have you but I have your absence and somehow it means the same thing to me.
I have tried to figure out how it was possible but every answer overwhelms me.
I walk towards you, where you lay buried and stop and come back home to your absence. It's more familiar and more comforting (today). *
(Happy Father's Day)