Summer is always really hard for me. I've pinned it down somewhat to the change in routine; school is out and there's nothing to occupy my mind except the depression and anxiety. The depression and anxiety seem hellbent on strangling my diligence to create a new routine, and life seems meaningless again. Funny how quickly that happens, losing sight of purpose.
But it's also the heat. The heat changes the pain in my body from sharpness to deepness, a bone-grinding dull ache. Dizzying. Nauseating. Ironically, I welcome the rains, even though it brings with it that familiar sharpness in my joints. The cool breeze is comforting to me as I feel the electricity on my skin and the booming in my chest. I watch the sky for hours and cry. What if lighting struck our house? No, that would be insane. What if lightning struck me? That would be even more insane. But what if though?
Summer is always really hard for me. I think I like who I am, I think I know who I am, I think I recognise her in the mirror. My thoughts have been so disorganised for months now and I haven't gotten anything out. I haven't known how, I've been too trapped inside myself and it's only getting worse. I have had rare moments of shocked joy when I felt true comfort in my body: crop top and 90s Reebok shorts, old mom jeans and oversized tee. The joy cannot be recreated by wearing the outfits 24/7.
Every summer is going to be the summer that I solve the "mystery of my health." It's been four years since the debilitating pain began, the pain that interfered with day to day functioning, and my diagnosis is still just fibromyalgia. (As of last week, "probably arthritis," whatever the living fuck that means.) I have lists from several summers ago of things I wanted to do, things I never did then. Things I couldn't even imagine myself being able to do now. My body has deteriorated so much in just a year that it's honestly shocking. Sure, western biomedicine is brilliant for setting a broken bone or operating on a tumor, but it's bullshit for listening to patients and solving nuanced issues that affect the everyday lives of people. It lacks empathy.
Will this summer be the summer that they listen?