Sometimes with the sleep deprivation and general terror of being a new parent, it can be easy to forget how deeply and truly in love I am with this sweet boy.
P and I were talking today, at breakfast, about how this is all just SO MUCH and we’re SO freaked out most of the time and negative thoughts creep into your mind at 2am when he won’t go back to sleep and won’t stop crying... but then he smiles at you and keeps eye contact and recognizes you and all of the bullshit just falls away and you’re left with this aching kind of love that is so encompassing that you understand WHY you’re so scared... you don’t want to mess this up, you don’t want to miss a thing and you don’t want it to stop being so full and engrossing. I got swamped with the baby blues BIG TIME in those early weeks and I was SO SCARED that I had made a mistake, that I wasn’t ready, that I wasn’t cut out for this. Now that I’m on the other side of that sorrow, I feel like the joy I find in my little family is something richer, more complex and more important. Patrick, the girls and Henry... they’re the beginning and end for me. I finally feel like I don’t need anything else. With that comes grace and a merciful peace for a weary soul that was searching for something that is now found. I feel complete. Life is more complicated. This is still the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m still messing up everyday, but I’ve got my perfectly imperfect partner and my sweet girls and my longed for miracle baby. Life is messy. And good... FINALLY.