I made this last night; it brought me some level of relief knowing I could write down how I was feeling and take back some control. I spiralled last night. My feelings of low self worth and body positive attitude were really tested. .
I was shopping for a new something nice, for a fancy party I have coming up. I walked into one of this big shops with lots of brands in side, hoping that I could find something under one roof. I knew the experience may be difficult, so if I could try to get an outfit sorted as quickly as possible, I hoped I would be ok. .
I looked around at all these vibrant and funky garments, all hanging there so beautifully and delicately. I really struggled to see myself in any of the brands. All the plastic bodies hovered everywhere - reminding me that my body wasn’t welcome here. All the posters on the walls did the same, too. You accept that as a bigger lady, you size will be at the back of the clothing racks. I always look back to front, but when you do that and you are frustratingly greated with a size 12 being the biggest - going all the way down to a UK 6. That is pretty gutting. .
That experience must have wiggled its way past my body positive mindset, and got deep inside, right to my core. Because that night when I got back home, reliving all the shots in my head of my body at different angles in different lights, made me so distressed. Seeing my body try to squish into dresses, tops, shirts and trousers that have not been modelled on a size 16 lady. But just a stretched out version of a size 6. I felt so fucking low. I actually felt disgusted in myself. Disgust. How unfair is that - that those brands and shops alienated me to that degree, and yet I wear the UK average fucking dress size. .
I felt in that moment trying the clothes on, and sitting in my bed that night in tears, that I failed my body. Because I promised I would never talk to myself like that again, with such hatred and disgust. .
But the truth is - that promise is too hard to keep in a society that promotes unrealistic beauty standards.