: long caption ahead.
again, sorry for the deep post but i felt like it really summed up how i’ve been feeling the past couple of months. consistently. there are days when i wake up and i put on my binder and i can trick myself into believing i’m flatter than i actually am. there are days i can really force myself to believe that my voice is deep. there are days i can believe i’m muscular and lean and masculine as hell. and then reality comes and i realize that it was all a lie and i’m just tricking myself to make hell seem like heaven. i don’t usually intend to sound dramatic and “extra” on here... i try to be as real as possible. so when i say shit has just gotten out of control recently, i mean it. my grandma recently moved in and she’s a classic southern baptist who despises the lgbt community and constantly badgers me about my “boyish behavior” and tries to get me to wear dresses and curl my hair and wear hoop earrings which makes things easier to deal with. i had to find a new hiding place for my binder. i had to start taking clothes to school and changing there. i had to start manually making my voice higher around her so she wouldn’t comment on it. which, of course, leads to really shitty dyshoria trying to make life feel like it’s never going to get better again. i’m not a person that’s really big on emotions, and i reject help often and don’t accept affection very well. i have people that Do support me and try to help, but my dumb ass just ends up pushing them away. why do i do that? idk. i wish i did know, but i just prefer dealing with things on my own. but in all honesty, this gets harder and harder to deal with everyday. i’m not going to lie and pretend like i’m completely hopeless. even pre everything, i can sometimes pass in public and get by on he/him with strangers. but it’s not the strangers that matter. it’s the people close to me that unknowingly make things immensely worse with every “she” or “ma’am” or “birthname”. and i can’t logically blame them because they don’t know. i make Sure they don’t know. but that doesn’t stop the tiny feeling of resentment i get every time it happens. idk i kind of just wish i could wake up and be me.