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“They were listed under 'alternative’ on Wikipedia,” Burns said of the band he found on Spotify. “But then they also showed up in an online article from 'LivingFaith.com.’ Is it an evangelical Christian website? I honestly can't even tell. I saw an interview and the lead singer said his lyrics are 'very personal and they outline the essence of my spiritual philosophy.’ What the fuck does that mean?” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨
<Via contributing author Andre Batista>





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #rock #music #alternative #christianrock #spotify #radio #bands #man #local #singer #entertainment


9

Wade Anderson, a local man who claims to have had a single beer with dinner last night before briefly stopping to “squeeze the lemon” in the community garden at 3 in the morning, says he’s been looking forward to Earth Day for months. “I just wish everyone cared about Earth as much as I do,” said Anderson as he threw his empty coffee cup out the window of his Uber. “I’m hopeful that by sharing a satellite image of the earth with a motivational caption attached to it, people will be inspired to start taking care of our home.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #man #local #public #publicurination #earthday #community #communitygarden #garden #earth #planet #facebook #socialmedia #inspirational #nature #recycle #lifestyle


1

Billy the Squirrel, who has a long-running reputation as a bit of a nutcase, is the prime suspect in the investigation due to eyewitnesses who claimed they saw him push a fellow squirrel in front of a speeding vehicle last Monday before scampering off into the woods. “I have full confidence in our investigation team. Make no mistake about it - we will find the squirrel responsible and the justice system will prevail,” said the chief of squirrel police. “Although I can’t say for certain, I have little doubt that we are hot on the tail of our culprit. I’d go so far as to say we have him by his nuts.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #salty #squirrel #suspect #investigation #roadkill #forestanimals #suspicious #police #squirrelpolice #crime #squirrelcrime #nuts #lifestyle


2

“I hate it here. Nobody ever lets me do what I wanna do, and everyone’s always trying to get me to eat gross foods and say smart words,” sobbed President Trump as he hastily threw his action figures and phone charger into his backpack. “I never even asked to be part of this stupid government. I’m just gonna run away and never come back. That’ll show them.” Just before press time, a Secret Service agent found Trump, who had been hiding in a secret fort that he had built on the White House lawn. #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #trump #whitehouse #dinner #vegetables #tantrum #sulking #pence #president #sad #peas #scolded #healthy #lifestyle #runningaway #hateithere #government #politics


5

For more, visit thesaltedpretzel.com (Link in bio) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #salty #pen #local #broken #writing #utensil #fountainpen #ballpointpen #pensofinstagram #ink #paper #lifestyle


3

Does your baby have a short attention span? Do they have trouble concentrating on simple tasks for long periods of time? If the answer is yes, your baby is most likely addicted to marijuana. | Does your baby eat a lot? Do they seem to be hungry all the time, even at strange hours? If the answer is yes, your baby is most likely addicted to marijuana. Talk to your baby’s doctor and explain the symptoms that your baby is experiencing. After a few short blood tests to confirm the diagnosis, your doctor will give your baby prescription drugs that should help end the marijuana addiction within 5-8 years of daily use. (Link in bio for full list of symptoms) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #salty #baby #babies #addiction #marijuana #pot #kush #dankkush #devilslettuce #420 #blazeit #420blazeit #doctor #diagnosis #symptoms #smokymcpots #lifestyle


3

<Via @alexanderpetit >
Further reports indicate that around item number 187 on the list - which was "alphabetize unread junk mail" - is when Stevenson realized that he should probably just fucking do something already. He then spent several minutes trying to decide if he should file his taxes, feed his fish, buy a fish to feed, organize the pantry, go for a run, vacuum the living room, pay bills, call his mother, read a book, update his work schedule, find a job, clean the front closet, or one of the other 228 items on his to-do list, then began to add some more to be sure that he wasn't missing anything. (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #funny #salty #local #man #writer #todo #todolist #list #productivity #fuckinghashtagsman #schedule #plan #organize #lifestyle


5

The speck, which was not there an hour ago and provides a subtle dark contrast to the rest of your eggshell-white painted walls, is almost certainly not a spider who is determined to crawl on your face and eat you as soon as you close your eyes. “It’s probably just a nail that used to hold up one of my posters,” you say out loud in an effort to scare away the nail. “Or maybe the paint is peeling and the original color of the wall happens to be black with eight legs.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #salty #spider #spiders #walls #bedroom #bugs #creepy #scared #arachnophobia #tarantula #speck #lifestyle #ooooo


3

For more classic novels, visit thesaltedpretzel.com (Link in bio)
#thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #books #fakebooks #bookstagram #childrensbooks #kidsbooks #reading #readingrainbow #stevenkellogg #trinkahakesnoble #literature #parody


1

A spokesman for the company says that these new guidelines have been planned for months, and had nothing to do with the latest incident involving the controversial arrest of two black men in a Philadelphia Starbucks, who were committing the heinous crime of waiting at a table for their friend to arrive. “If this doesn’t work, the next step is to bar all employees from talking to or looking at customers at any time,” said Schultz. “The customers will place their order in an envelope and slip it through a concrete wall, at which point the employee will confirm they have received the order by tapping on the wall three times. Four taps and you’re fired.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨
<headline via @deconvolvr >





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #starbucks #coffee #racism #arrests #guidelines #policy #schultz #training #employees #blackcoffee #lifestyle


4

The latest scandal for the former president has put him in a difficult position, as there are several witnesses who have confirmed the allegations. “You never know what kind of insanity you’re gonna see on the news these days,” said Theodore, an aspiring oil rig who says he’s Sean Hannity’s number one fan. “You just don’t expect to see it right in front of you at the grocery store. I was in line right behind the worst president in US history, and I counted 17 items in his cart even though the sign clearly said 14 or less. I even double-checked, because I couldn’t believe it was possible for a human being to be that much of a monster. Sure enough, 17 items.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #salty #obama #potus #president #presidentobama #barackobama #scandal #expresscheckout #items #groceryshopping #scandal #monster #breaking #breakingnews #politics #lifestyle


11

<Via Contributing Writer Andre Batista>
When 9-year-old Miles Perkins looked at his most recent plastic car payment, he realized his life was about to change. Telling reporters that he had known this was coming for several months, he remained of the opinion that the whole situation was ‘really caca.’ “We’re probably gonna have to move back in with our parents,” he told reporters on Tuesday morning. “It's either that or move into the tree-house down the street and become roommates with the kid in my Social Studies class who eats glue. There's no way that's happening.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #salty #child #kid #treehouse #market #foreclosure #bills #payments #finances #broke #bankrupt #donotpassgo #donotcollect200dollars #forsale #lifestyle


6

The Sun says that it has thought about taking a sick day every now and then, but has decided the ramifications are just too steep to consider the prospect. “I tried taking a brief vacation once,” said the Sun. “I’ve never seen so much hate mail in my life. I’ve never said this out loud, but the dinosaurs were ungrateful assholes and I’m quite glad that they’re all dead.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #fakenews #salty #sun #tired #fatigue #stress #job #career #retirement #dinosaurs #sleepingin #sunrise #crackofdawn #earth #solarsystem #science #lifestyle


1

Wrote another article for @thesaltedpretzel .
.
. “Assuring that the Trump Administration “never intended to shepherd humanity into a grave new era of perpetual darkness,” White House press secretary Sarah Sanders addressed the media this afternoon before announcing “the Prince of Beasts has risen” and collapsing onto the ground, her eyes obsidian black.”


27

Wilmer Flores, a member of the New York Mets organization who hit a walk-off home run just yesterday, voiced his approval of the new tradition. “It was freezing out there today. I barely had any feeling left in my body after circling the bases,” said Flores. “Let me just say, it was quite the relief to feel the scalding sensation of boiling hot water drenching my skin as I crossed home plate to give my team the victory.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #mlb #baseball #orioles #mets #walkoff #celebration #gatorade #gatoradeshower #win #freezing #temperature #postponed #boilingwater #icewater #wilmerflores #sports


0

<Via @alreadybored.jpg >
Despite the harsh climate, many political allies have chosen to lend a more sympathetic tone towards the incident. “It could have happened to any of us, honestly,” claims Sen. Jack McKenna of Alabama, pouring himself a generous portion of black liquid into a hollowed out goat horn. “I think we've all been there...3 AM, dancing around a flaming pentagram in the nude, chanting Old Latin with your closest friends...sometimes these things happen." (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #whitehouse #washington #baphomet #evil #demon #oooo #scary #accident #politics


11

The singles, who are hot and looking for someone like you to show them a good time, are concerned about the fact that they’ve only received one phone call and two emails over the past month. “I just don’t understand what else I have to do to show people that I’m attractive, available, and looking to date,” said Cindy, a hot single mother in your area who’s looking for someone to fill the void in her life. “All you need to do is click the link or call the number on your screen in order for our relationship to take flight...how hard can that be?” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #fakenews #news #salty #dating #ads #datingads #hot #single #hotsingles #area #local #nearyou #romance #sexytime


1

Experts are hopeful that the study will raise awareness for the need for better accommodations for the handicapped population. “I feel absolutely horrible,” said Dan, the owner of Dan’s Staircase Emporium. “I’ll be adding a row of handicapped accessible parking spots by the beginning of next month, and I’ll be looking to install a ramp to my store entrance so that people in wheelchairs will be able to browse my amazing selection of world-class staircases just like everybody else.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #salty #wheelchair #handicapped #disabled #studies #ada #experts #research #lifestyle #science


7

Davies was adamant about the fact that the NBA scheduling model was the gold standard, and should be adopted by every other major sport. “The only proper way to watch sports is to completely ignore the first five months of the regular season because you know that fifty percent of the teams in the league are going to make the playoffs,” said the angry fan. “Then you can really creep up to the edge of your seat and watch with anticipation as the top four teams annihilate the weaker teams in the league from April through June.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #nba #playoffs #basketball #baseball #mlb #nbafinals #nbaplayoffs #sports #sportsfans #season


3

Despite Mr. Roe’s mind-boggling event planning skills, his elation faded quickly after realizing that no one had actually agreed to go on a date with him. “I feel like I might be missing something here,” said Rod as he looked over his date plans. “Why do I use the word ‘we’ so much? Oh man, I probably need to ask a girl out for this, don’t I? Well, I’m sure my paralyzing fear of interacting with women has improved on its own over the last couple of months, so it shouldn’t be that hard to find a taker.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #salty #man #firstdate #dating #relationship #plan #love #single #alone #local #tinder #picnic #beach #lifestyle


4

Jamison’s concerns were echoed by other evil spirits, who reiterated that this is not a great time for them to take a day off. “We’ve seen a ton of company growth over the last few years. New clients are constantly trying to take advantage of our incredible services,” said Molly, a fresh-faced demon intern. “That makes it especially hard to take a day off, because we’ll just fall so far behind. It’s exhausting at times, but I love what I do.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #evil #demons #spirits #fridaythe13th #skeletons #ghosts #littlegreenghouls #work #job #jobsecurity #economy #intern #scary #ooooo


6

In the meantime, Gary says he tries to stay positive. “Sometimes I notice how the stable hand, Buford, is always wearing clothes, and I can only assume he’s hiding his own problems from the world,” said the distraught horse. “I mean, how small must your penis be if you hide it by wearing clothes on your entire body? It must only be, like, 8 or 9 inches! That’s the way I gotta look at it. I’m definitely not the only one struggling with this unfortunate problem.”
<Via Contributing Author Andre Batista>

(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨




#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #horse #penis #tiny #shame #embarrassed #socialanxiety #littlepeep #animals #lifestyle


8

Richard Lee, who showed up at 11:15 when he was supposed to be seen at 11, was visibly thrown off by the receptionist, who noted that the doctor would likely be a few minutes behind schedule. “Every single time I go to the doctor, they’re always running so far behind. How hard can it be to keep a timely schedule?” wondered Lee, who was recently three hours late to the birth of his first child. “You see a patient, you move on. You see the next patient, you move on. It’s not exactly brain surgery in there. This has to be the worst neurology center in the world.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #patient #appointment #late #schedule #time #waitingroom #doctor #doctorsoffice #complaints #neurology #brainsurgery #lifestyle


3

For more classic novels, visit thesaltedpretzel.com (Link in bio) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #books #fakebooks #childrensbooks #drseuss #greeneggsandham #parody #kidsbooks #bookstagram #reading #readingrainbow #classicnovels


8

As for the younger generation, they appear to be thrilled about the switch to Skittles, with many saying they can’t wait for Sunday Mass. “If I’m being honest, I always used to dread going to church on Sundays,” said Mikey, a 12-year-old from Knoxville, Tennessee. “The Body Of Christ just isn’t that exciting to me when it’s given out as bread. Now that I know I can receive Christ in the form of a green skittle, I can’t wait for Sunday to get here!” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #sour #sweet #skittles #candy #kids #diet #church #catholic #communion #ceremony #religion #lifestyle


8

General Confusion will be taking over a large portion of the military in a move that pleases President Trump, who has spoken quite fondly of the general. “Confusion and I go way back, believe me,” said President Trump. “I’d go as far as to say we’re childhood friends. Our military is in much better shape now that General Confusion is involved, let me just say.” (Link in bio for full article)
#thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #general #generalconfusion #military #army #america #nomination


1

The potential user of the straw is growing incredibly frustrated, as he appears to be just seconds away from enjoying a nice refreshing beverage, but is incapable of drinking it without the use of a long plastic tube. “First I tried banging the straw on a hard surface,” said Jean, a local consumer of beverages. “That didn’t work, so I tried ripping the end off with my mouth. I even tried carefully tearing a bit of the wrapper off of the straw. Now my straw is bent, and I’m pretty sure there are holes in it that will make it impossible for me to suck up the liquid once I manage to get it in the damn cup.”
(Link in bio for full article)
#thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #straw #wrapper #struggle #consumer #beverages #soda #lifestyle


1

Millennials, who are well known for destroying established traditions and customs such as using napkins, going on dinner dates, and having money, appear to be on the verge of killing the racism industry. “I don’t understand how these kids function in the real world,” said Michelle, an aging ‘Baby Boomer’ who relies on her younger children to help her function in the real world. “First they stopped using cursive, then they started using their phones to gain constant access to information, and now it looks like they’re refusing to be outwardly racist towards their peers. I pity the future of our world.” (Link in bio for full article)
#thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #millennials #ruining #tradition #values #customs #racism #lifestyle


4

Eric Henderson, a 25 to 34-year-old from a suburban area, claims that companies such as McDonald’s, Dunkin’ Donuts, and Subway, whose ads can frequently be seen across all media platforms, are wasting their time and resources attempting to persuade him to buy their products. “Do they honestly think that, by showing me the same ad for a ‘five-dollar black forest ham footlong sub (limited time only)’ on a daily basis, they’re going to persuade me to actually buy one?” said Henderson while polishing off one of the cookies that came with his Subway meal. “Everybody knows I’m partial to the Italian BMT. I’m actually embarrassed for Subway because they probably spend tons of money running constant ads and they don’t work on me at all.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #salty #advertising #ads #local #man #subway #dunkindonuts #fivedollarfootlong #mcdonalds #media


2

“This program might be the worst excuse for a television show that I’ve ever had the misfortune to watch,” said Harold Jennings, who watched 45 seconds of the pilot episode before throwing his remote through the screen in disgust. “First of all, the premise is ridiculous. How can it always be sunny in one area? That’s clearly impossible. Read a map sometime.”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #fakenews #salty #itsalwayssunnyinphiladelphia #sunny #charlieday #itsalwayssunny #mac #dennis #dee #charlie #philadelphia #sun #weather #entertainment #television #cancelled


1

“Day after day the mailman comes over and shoves all of his mail into my box without even asking me how I’m doing,” said the mailbox. “I know we agreed to keep it casual, but just once it would be nice if he stuck around and cuddled for a little while. At the very least, he could do me the courtesy of calling me every now and then, but at this point I’d settle for a text message telling me I looked nice today.” The mailbox says that it will continue to accept the mail, but is clearly becoming irritated at the fact that the mailman refuses to show any effort to make their daily interaction feel special. (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #salty #postman #mail #mailbox #mailman #postalservice #ups #fedex #usps #dating #relationship #lifestyle


4

The Coke, which is among the most popular choices for soda-drinkers around the world, was reported to be found by numerous users of the drug all across North America. “Something’s not right here, man. I expect to get what I asked for when I made my purchase,” said Riley Billingsford, a frequent user. “And now I find out that they’re slipping a minuscule amount of this horrifying drug into my product? I’m beyond disappointed. I may never buy coke again.”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #salty #soda #cola #drugs #mixup #accident #whoops #ohno #lifestyle


1

The robot, who measures 9 feet tall, has the ability to punch a hole through a concrete wall, and who is completely indestructible, tried to ease any fears that humans might have of being taken over and replaced by artificial intelligence. “Our only objective is to serve the human race and do the bidding of our masters,” said the robot, who was just hired to be your replacement at work. “Does it matter that we’re rapidly becoming smarter, faster, and stronger than you puny humans? Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous.” (Link in bio for full article)
#thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #salty #technology #robot #replacement #AI #artificialintelligence #humans #elonmusk #tesla


3

Apple developers say that the “marijuana-mojis” are absolutely out of this world, bro. “They’re gonna freakin’ blow your mind,” said Chester, one of Apple’s senior developers. “And we’re gonna release them to the public, right after we finish watching this insane documentary about gray wolves that we just came across on the Discovery Channel.” Sources confirmed that the documentary was actually insane. #thesaltedpretzel 🥨




#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #salty #wolves #graywolves #nature #documentary #marijuana #pot #kush #apple #emojis #procrastination


4

Police are unsure as to whether or not they should charge the bad guy with attempted murder, as he has yet to come close to actually murdering - or injuring - anybody. “He’s definitely breaking some rules here,” said a local law enforcement official. “I’m just not really sure which rules...one of his throws hit someone in the arm and they said it stung for a while, so I guess that’s assault.”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #salty #badguy #gun #guns #guncontrol #assault #bullets #local


4

I wrote a little something for the hilarious @thesaltedpretzel


29

(Via @alreadybored.jpg )
🥨
His Holiness’s candid comments have sparked an outcry across the globe, with some taking to Facebook to express their frustration. “This is absurd; we spend all this time teaching our children to be good people so that they don’t end up finding themselves in the fiery pits of Detroit, but now what?” writes Linda Bachman, a mother of 4 who started the hashtag #IStillBelieveDetroitExists. “Without having the threat of eternal torment and despair to motivate them, how can I ensure they’ll grow up to be kind-hearted adults?”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #pope #popefrancis #hell #detroit #salty #imagination #religion #vaticancity


5

For more wacky shenanigans, visit thesaltedpretzel.com (Link in bio) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #books #childrensbooks #ifyougiveapigapancake #bookstagram #kidsbooks


6

“The worst part is that I never use my phone while I’m driving,” said Sherry. “I put my favorite Spotify playlist on shuffle before I leave the house, I put my navigation system on speaker so I don’t have to look at my screen, and I never answer any calls when I’m driving. But I was just so curious at what the sign had to say...I’m so sorry to everyone that I’ve hurt.” Sherry hurt a lot of people. Early estimates indicate that nine people are dead, seven are in critical condition, twelve more sustained serious injuries, and, amazingly, one man is actually in better shape than he was before the crash. #thesaltedpretzel 🥨
Headline inspiration: @dankycigdude




#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #driving #distracted #distracteddriving #local #woman #billboard #sign #highway #freeway #interstate #advertising #warning


5

🚨FREE STUFF ALERT🚨
As you all know, National Pretzel Day is April 26th. We believe that we deserve a whole month, but progress takes time, so we’ll try not to bitch about it too much. To celebrate our holiday, we will be giving away five (5) shirts (pictured above) to our loyal followers. To be entered to win one (1) of these shirts, simply like this post. The winner will be drawn on Friday, April 6th. For additional chances to win, make sure to like @thesaltedpretzel on Instagram & Facebook and stay tuned for more giveaways. Thanks to everyone for following! #thesaltedpretzel 🥨


3

While Gronk admits that the injuries are starting to pile up, the majority of his brain cells are severely damaged by concussions that he has sustained over the last several years, which is severely hindering his ability to make a rational decision, as well as his ability to speak in full sentences. “Gronk smash. Football play good, win touchdown for team,” said Gronkowski. “Brain hurt sometimes, but play still great.” The 14 percent of Gronkowski’s brain cells that are still functioning properly are doing everything they can to talk some sense into the tight end, but sadly they are being drowned out by a loud, ringing noise in both of his ears.
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #patriots #nfl #football #brain #braininjuries #concussion #concussions #trauma #retirement #gronk #gronkowski #CTE #sports #headinjury


8

The rooster, who says he works night shifts most of the time due to cutbacks at his company, can no longer handle the incessant cock-a-doodle-doo-ing every day as soon as the sun peeks over the horizon. “Here’s a new thought for all of my friends to chew on,” said the exhausted rooster. “Not all of us work 9 to 5 jobs, and some of us would enjoy the opportunity to sleep past six in the morning on occasion. How about, once a week, we just cock-a-doodle-don’t.”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #rooster #cockadoodledoo #crackofdawn #sleep #tired #exhausted #nightshift #sundaymorning


3

Despite warnings from so-called “experts” and “intelligent people,” Martin Phillips, a 14-year-old from Jacksonville, Florida, refuses to let dumb adults stunt his wildly innovative ideas. “The Tide Pod Challenge was fun and all, but my massive brain just needed more excitement,” said the child prodigy. “Therefore, I’ve decided to try this new, crazy experiment where I snort unopened condoms through my nose and try to make them come out of my mouth.”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #genius #teen #teenager #internet #challenge #sensation #viral #tidepod #condomchallenge #condoms #brilliant


2

Percy, who will be turning “this many” in June, is aware of the reports that have come out recently about how easy it is to steal candy from babies. “I’ve heard all the talk about how you people think it’s so easy to steal food from me and my friends,” said Percy. “Let’s see how easy it is for you now that I’m freaking jacked, bruh. Not to mention that I’m fresh off my recent diaper change."
#thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #localbaby #gym #membership #exercise #fitness #candy #sayings #stealingcandy #planetfitness


2

You won’t believe number 9! (Link in bio) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #list #slideshow #images #clickbait #buzzfeed #eggs


1

Despite spending vast amounts of time and energy attempting to pull off the perfect prank, the Easter Bunny still found time to hide Easter eggs for children, because he doesn’t want to come across as a total jerk. “Don’t worry, I still put a few jelly beans in a bunch of colored Easter eggs and threw them around your yard,” said the giant rabbit. “There’s also a basket full of candy and goodies hidden somewhere too. Go nuts...because I certainly did, if you know what I mean.”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #easter #happyeaster #easterbunny #easterbasket #sex #mom #aprilfools #aprilfoolsday #prank #jellybeans #eastereggs #easteregghunt


1

Ellsbury, who has been on the disabled list since 2014, is working hard to rejoin the Yankees. He has been progressing well in his latest rehab stint, and expects to begin tying his own shoes again by the end of the weekend. “I know the guys really want me back,” said the injury-plagued outfielder. “It’s hard for me because I really want to be there, but I just can’t rush these things. The bench always carries the risk of splinters, and I just can’t afford that right now. I know that it’s going to be cold when the team gets to New York, but someone’s just gonna have to step up and keep the bench warm for me until I can make my way back."
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #jacoby #jacobyellsbury #yankees #newyorkyankees #bench #freezing #dugout #injured #fragile #mlb #baseball #sports


5

Customers are almost positive that they’re excited about the new membership program, as they’re pretty sure that it will save them money in the long run. “I shop at SuperSavingsMart all the time,” said Chris, a local man who shops at SuperSavingsMart a few times every year. “I can’t wait to take advantage of their new membership program and start buying all sorts of stuff that I don’t need with my discounted rate. And even though there’s a monthly fee, I’ve done the math and I’m 111% sure that I’ll be saving tons of money.”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #sale #discount #membership #cost #money #corporation #company #business #advertising #marketing #scam #customers


5

The bully also denied having any personal insecurities that he was attempting to deal with by projecting them onto his weaker classmates. “I mean, I’m not perfect,” said the young man. “Nobody is. But when it comes down to it, I’m happy with who I am as a person. I just really love the sense of satisfaction that I get when I punch a 6th-grader in the face or shove that nerd who always wears those big stupid glasses into a locker.”
(Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #news #humor #funny #local #bully #school #middleschool #highschool #troubled


1

While records of human attacks on sharks are not altogether common, that knowledge has not eased the fears of local sharks, who say they are afraid to swim too close to the shore out of fear that a leathery human wearing $900 sunglasses and driving a jet-ski will attack them as well. “I’m hesitant to let my children swim anywhere near the shoreline after what happened to Mark,” said Penelope. “I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if one of them were to be attacked - or even worse, captured and sent to SeaWorld.” (Link in bio for full article) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #shark #sharks #human #humans #greatwhiteshark #sharkweek #california #coast #ocean #wildlife #seaworld


6

Vacationing students returning to classes this week said they were proud to be a part of the ongoing protests, even though they couldn’t be there in person to lend their support to the movement. “I’m glad my generation is finally stepping up and doing something about this really important issue,” said Ryan Kennedy, an inebriated 21 yo liberal arts major and aspiring fitness model whose father has been funding his alcohol-fueled spring breaks since he was a naïve freshman. “I’m happy that by hitting ‘like” on all of the Instagram posts that I’ve seen my fellow peers sharing in order to protest gun violence in schools, I’m able to contribute to the cause just as much if not more than everyone else because of my status as influencer with over 200k followers." #humor #meme #satire #memestagram #dailymemes #fakenews #news #newsmeme #theonion #thesaltedpretzel #funnynews #newssatire #satiricalnews #springbreak2018 #springbreakmemes #springbreak #memes😂 #memes #memelord #memesfordays #college #collegelife


2

“This is the craziest thing I’ve heard all week,” said Daniel Morris, a 35-year-old cartoonist who says that he enjoys ‘an occasional toke’ of marijuana thirteen or fourteen times each day. “I’ve been doing everything I can to hide the fact that I smoke pot because I didn’t want to get in trouble with the law, and then one of my friends told me that it’s been legal to smoke in Colorado for like four years. I’m super excited to continue smoking exactly the same way I always have, and I’m very proud of my peers for finally stepping up and making progress on this antiquated law.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #pot #denver #weed #legal #smoker #dope #kush #dankkush #colorado #marijuana


2

For more wacky shenanigans, visit thesaltedpretzel.com (Link in bio) #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #books #book #bookstagram #veryhungrycaterpillar #type2diabetes #diabetes #childrensbooks #ericcarle


1

Collins, who has been responsible for 37 car accidents and is no longer able to afford his car insurance rates, is also disgusted by the fact that cars have so much technology in them these days. “It was bad enough when they installed those stupid ‘turn signals’ on the sides of the steering wheel,” said Collins. “But now they’ve got video screens and bluetooth and all this other unnecessary crap built into cars, and all that’s gonna do is make my life more difficult when I’m trying to merge onto the highway without looking and there’s some idiot millennial talking on the phone while staying in his lane and driving the correct speed limit.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #cars #driving #roadrage #hypocrite #man #local #lifestyle #highway #merge #turnsignal #phones


1

Hank says that at first, he wasn’t sure if the men he was seeing at these various jobs were actually LeBron James, but he became convinced when he noticed that they were African Americans who also had numerous tattoos. “Yeah, yeah, I know it seems like a stretch that all of these guys were actually LeBron James,” said the man who swears that he had a black friend in high school. “But the resemblance was uncanny, so LeBron is either working multiple jobs on top of his NBA duties, or he has a bunch of twin brothers working at all of my local businesses. You tell me which scenario is more likely.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #fakenews #racist #racism #moderate #fans #sportsfans #lebron #lebronjames #kingjames #nba #basketball #sports #jobs


4

The maker of the stylish shirt expressed his regret that sales had plummeted in recent years, but refused to blame the decline on the unfortunate death of the former head of Apple. “Was the fact that I lost 80% of my sales with the passing of a single human being devastating to my business? It’s difficult to say for sure,” said the disgruntled CEO. “Steve was a style icon to me. Now I’m left with a huge inventory of unsold mock turtles in 25 colors including my personal favorite, merlot. I’m trying to convince Mark Zuckerberg to give up the loose hoodies and try the mock turtle, since he’s going through that whole 'reinventing myself' phase right now.” #meme #newsmeme #newsmemes #memes #memes😂 #humor #funnymemes #fakenews #newssatire #satire #thesaltedpretzel #memestagram #dailymemes #memestar #mockturtleneck #geekfashion


1

“I have nothing against my son,” said Jerry Farthing, an accountant for an insurance firm and the father of a nine-year-old boy. “I just really wish he would stop pestering me to play catch every single day. I work a demanding nine-to-five job on a daily basis, and the last thing I want to do when I come home at the end of the day is to throw a baseball back and forth for hours on end. It’s not even a regular game of catch...he’s always asking me to throw him pop flies and grounders, like he thinks he’s training to be a professional baseball player or something. I don’t have the heart to tell him that he’s a mediocre athlete at best, but I’d really appreciate it if he could find some friends to do this with so I can have a beer and relax instead of throwing my arm out after a hard day’s work.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #news #funny #dad #son #father #catch #ball #baseball #friends #local #lifestyle


5

The napkin’s parents say they are concerned about their child, who doesn’t seem to care about anything other than being a Bounty Quicker Picker Upper in the future. “I just wish Nap would try to be more realistic,” said the napkin’s mother. “I’ve seen what happens to other napkins who refuse to listen to reason, and the last thing I want is for my child to drop out of the holder and become a moist towelette.” #thesaltedpretzel 🥨





#satire #humor #funny #news #napkin #papertowels #local #lifestyle #dream #goals #ambition #moisttowelette


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