I’m SO mad right now!! I was thisclose to catching a squirrel. SO close that the hair around my nose got singed off from exposure to its toxic breath. My tongue was literally a centimeter away from tasting the bitter combination of acorns and poop that adorn it’s matted fur.
But then my traitor father has to yell “No Bella!” and yank me away, like he decided that was the historic moment he would start to properly discipline me. I mean, what the pho?! His timing is worse than a VCR blinking 12:00 after a power outtage! And I’m not old enough to know (or lets be honest, care) what that even means!
Dogs stood around watching, hoping I’d make them proud! Like back when the pups from ancient times first heard Lassie bark: “No! THIS way you idiots! I said ‘Timmy’s stuck in the well,’ not the tool shed!! It’s like you can’t understand a frickin word I’m saying!” before he first saved the day. That moment would either define me or destroy me - and it turned out that it wasn’t fine. Not fine at all!
This is how Nancy Kerrigan must have felt when Margo Robbie kicked her in the leg or whatever. I just want to hold my knee and yell: “Why?! Why?!” I’m like Mariah Carey after New Years 2017 about to endure 365 days of reliving the disaster of my career while every dog I see looks at me with sad eyes, then cackles like a hyena as I pass, until I can redeem myself in 2018. And c’mon, when people look back on it, they’re going to say “redemption-shmedemtion, let’s watch the train wreck new year instead” and I’ll just be “old Bella-Shmella, still holding onto my patella”
•...This is SO unfair, Dad!!... I’m going to relive that moment like it’s on a never ending loop...Nothing can make it up to me, unless - nevermind...ok, since you asked, you know how you bought like ten bully sticks on sale to give me over time? I feel like I’m in overtime now...TWO?? Why don’t you ever GET me?!...maybe like 3 or all of them or something?...can you just TRY to understand Millenial pressure? We all can’t just rewatch Heathers and be ok...Define: “don’t eat them all at once”...ok I’ll try...no I’m fine, go take a nap...•
Ahhh. Rules shmules. Class dismissed!