I am in kind of a limbo. I feel like I’m at my best and the next minute I am loosing my mind. I am constantly shifting between: “I’m fine, everything is okay” and “I’m stressed out and can’t do anything”. It feels like a meltdown, a mental meltdown. I feel worn out and shortly after I feel okay again.
It is really hard to understand my reactions and find ways to navigate, when I am constantly shifting. Both for my surroundings and my self.
I feel like, when I am just with M and no one is expecting anything, then I am fine. As soon as anyone or anything interferes with that, I feel the pressure. I am shutting down.
To day I went for a little walk with M and her dad and we talked about a situation where, if I have had a different reaction, it would have benefited all. But instead of just talking about it, I feel like my system is shutting down. I have no words for it, it just locks down. I put M in her dads arms and say I need to walk by self now, make sure she understands that I’ll be back and turns around and walk away from her. She would have rather stayed with me, no doubt, but I feel that I am not able to take care of her, because I am in kind of a survival mode.
I believe that is a healthy reaction, because my body, and brain tells me that something is going on. I believe that is a physical reaction to my whole life, up until the birth of M, and the belief that follows being questioned by myself. Everything is being questioned and I am in some kind of at transformation. I am like a snake, leaving my old skin behind, to grow a new one. And that is some heavy shit... especially for the brain I feel like sharing this with you. To show my vulnerability and to show that I too am only human, child of nature . To share with you this part of my transformation along with the more bright sides. Please share your challenges with me, if you feel like it #healing