I’m having one of those days. I’ve seen a lot of stories of babies taking their first steps, crawling, climbing stairs, eating, playing. And I just get that feeling in my chest and my head starts trying to imagine what it would have been like if Jaxon was healthy.
How would that have felt? What would it have been like to just drop him at my mums or my nannas? What would it have been like if he wasn’t tube fed? Is it hard work chasing them around? Then I get sad that I expected to be chasing him around by now. I’ve still got all the plug socket covers in a box. There’s no stair gate going up in our home anytime soon.
It’s confusing because I’m SO happy we’ve been out of hospital 4 months now. I’m not at all ungrateful for the life we have. I just can’t help but feel a little traumatised for the both of us. He looks SO well at the moment and we’re in a privileged place for me to be thinking about his physical development instead of worrying about medical interventions to get him through the day/week. But that doesn’t stop the pangs hurting every now and then.
Will he ever walk? Will he ever sit unaided? Will he EVER eat? Will he ever become independent? How severely will this affect his ability to live a normal life? Will I still be caring for him when I’m 65? Or worse, will I have to live without him one day?
So even when things are good. They’re “our” good. They’re not the average normal typical good. They’re what some find unimaginable. I feel so melodramatic sometimes but it is what it is.
This will pass. I hardly ever get envious of healthy babies. I normal see it and think nothing of it. Maybe it’s because Jaxon will soon be at an age people notice he’s not doing things. Maybe it’s just tiredness making me sensitive. But it’s our reality and that’s what I’m here to share.
Ps: no one ever wants pity, just understanding.😘