Emotion is a funny thing for me right now. Yesterday, I was in a completely raw and vulnerable position, surrounded by loved ones as they draped me in offers of prayer and affection. And quite frankly, it felt surreal. It was probably the most ‘out-of-body’ experience I’ve ever had, and I went home with a smile on my face thinking ‘I don’t get it, why is everyone making such a fuss? Everything is fine, everything will be fine.’
Then, today, I stood in the same space, staring at a fading bouquet while ‘To Build A Home’ played over the speakers. Finally, the tears broke through with ease, and an alarm went off in my mind, screaming ‘THISISTHEFUSS!!THISISTHEFUSS!!NOTHINGISFINE!!’ I know it will continue to come in inappropriate waves. The things that should feel heavy will feel effortless (perhaps because it is too difficult to give them the weight they deserve), and the day to day nonsense will choose to crush me with a hungry urgency simply because it demands to be even more important than the rest. Maybe the best thing I can do is give permission to the grief, wherever it decides to show up, whenever it feels it is the time. And through it all, I’ll find the flowers, will learn, like them, to grow and grieve with an absence of judgment and a fully present heart. //
Infinitely and impossibly grateful for @ek_goldenrule , and the way she loves me and stands with me in the absurdity. And to all the others, the love is kind today, will continue to be kind for a long long while.