Update on my medication:
It’s nearly been a month now.
It’s definitely helping my mental state. I haven’t seen a massive change in the anxiety and it’s been a rough week in terms of panic attacks, but I’m a lot happier/neutral feeling which is great. My only really downsides with the meds are the fact I’m getting quite spotty and I rarely breakout, that and I’m losing my creativity which is a massive part of who I am.
But at the end of the day, I’d rather lose my creativity than live in a state of constant panic and fear.
The photo on the left is one of my favourite pre-T photo because I thought I looked so masculine. But comparing it to myself now (2+ years on T) I am much more masculine. It’s amazing how something so small like eyes can make you seem so stereotypically feminine or masculine.
#Overwatch is definitely the best escape for me.
Every person behind this game have created an incredibly immersive world that is enjoyable and a great escape from problems.
I was incredibly saddened to not be able to go to an event because of mental health.
Luckily, I have the most supportive and loving parents who took a break from selling my products and went and saw @chloe_hollings for me. It’s surreal; I listen to her voice 3/4 hours a day because I’ve been spending hours trying to master #Widowmaker. It sounds like I’m a crazy obsessed fan but I am just so thankful for these people that put their heart into something that makes me be able to disappear from the real world and feel included and good at something.
So thank you Chloe for the signed photo, it means a lot! (And I hope you enjoy your gift!)
After almost three years of trying to fight severe anxiety/agoraphobia on my own, I’ve decided it’s time to go on medication. I’m incredibly proud of the process I’ve made without relying on drugs, but I need that lil push to get through the rest of this. I am now on sertraline and I’m hoping it helps with horrific omen that constantly looms over me.
I’ve said it 100x and I’ll say it 100x more: go and see your doctor if you feel depressed, constantly nervous, different, mentally confused, suicidal or any other “strange” feelings. Don’t leave it, it doesn’t get better, you just get used to it. 6 months ago I didn’t talk about my mental illness at all, but once I started talking about it with my Doctors, I’ve now been okay to document my illness and teach others so they don’t make the same mistakes I did, purely because of silly embarrassment that surrounds a topic that really shouldn’t be taboo.
#transformationtuesday time! March 2016 - September 2017.
I always think that I haven't really changed since my year mark on T in February 2016. I am always then taken aback when I compare myself to slightly older photos of myself. Not many changes but enough to make me look more my age. That, and I always forget that it hasn't even been a year since my chest surgery.
This jacket is gr8 I got it on a website called everything5pounds which is pretty self explanatory... But it was actually a jacket from Mango (still bagged and tagged) worth £35. Winner, winner, good jacket for a fiver.
This is the longest my hair has been since I got it cut short back in like 2013.
I am finally comfortable enough to try and experiment with my hair at a longer length. The only problem is that I end up “hair-watching” and getting really impatient and grumpy when it’s in the awkward stage. I’m at that stage where I always end up getting it cut because short hairs are tickling inside my ears and it’s pissing me off
#transformationtuesday time! This is 2010 vs 2017. 2010 was a strange time for me because I'd spent a lot of it (and a few years after) being quite a drama queen, a compulsive liar and a show off to try and impress those around me. Especially because I had this deep feeling inside that something was wrong and I was trying to validate this feeling by forming a reputation as this big macho dyke who'd beat anyone up for you and get with any girl (or boy) I wanted. Little did I know that the moment I realised that deep feeling of something missing was my gender identity that all this need for attention and validation would just dissipate. Now, 2.5 years on T, 9 months post op, I am the happiest I've ever been in terms on my transition. I avoid drama, I don't try and justify myself to others and I'm just loving the body I've formed for myself.
My mental health has been kicking my ass this month but I really hope I get the strength to try and see @littlebigtown next month because I love them and I don't want to miss out and upset myself when I've been given the chance to.
Trying to just keep positive whilst in a mentally low place. The low intensity CBT hasn't worked. It's extremely heartbreaking to think you've found something to "cure" your constant state of danger. It's also incredibly heartbreaking to feel a natural bond with your therapist only to be told he has to hand you on to someone else now to see if they can help. He's also suggested I try anxiety medication. Do any of you have any experience with anti-anxiety meds? If so, what was your outcome like? Did they help? Did they help towards tackling the bigger picture of whatever your anxiety was?
This week has been hard. I've been trying to come to terms with being diagnosed as agoraphobic but I'm still massively in denial. I understand that I struggle to go outside but I hate that I've been pinned with "severely" as a measurement for how strong this feeling of fear is. My PWP keeps telling me to stop being so overwhelming on myself when we set my goals but I just find it so hard to accept that I'm as unwell as he says I am. On the plus side, he said he was "over the moon" that I managed to do last weeks "tasks" more than once. This is a hell of a bumpy rollercoaster and it's hard to even try most of the time... but at the end of the day, I can't complain that I didn't win the race if I didn't even try to run it? Look after yourself people, go see someone before it's really hard to even attempt getting better.
As of yesterday, I'm 9 months post-op! There is nothing I can complain about. My dog tag on my left side that makes my skin fold over when my arms are in certain positions is nothing to feel self-conscious about because I'd much rather have a bit of skin that folds over than breasts. Still don't miss having nipples and I'm still so so so happy with my results
It's so crazy to think of how far I've come- not just in terms on my journey, but my weight loss as well. The photo on the left was taken 3 years ago at Brighton Gay Pride. I was pre-T, and just starting to lose weight. I remember feeling so much more masculine (until someone misgendered me of course!) But looking back now, I was no where near where I am today. I always forget how far I come and photos like these, the photos that are quite deeply hidden because I was so depressed with my weight. These photos remind me how determined I can be to change and better myself. Hormones in no way helped this weight loss journey, in fact, I started hormones after I got back into my BMI. I did it with the motivation that I could have top surgery, so I felt more secure about my top surgery results. There is not a day I can imagine going back to eating carbohydrates. I'm 3 years into #keto and I won't ever stop. #lchf 4 lyffff