the first time was unexpected, though it still brought devastation. it was both shocking and hurtful, prodding at my sanity until i could only think about the “what-ifs”. the second time was less of a surprise but that didn’t soften the blow and it certainly didn’t spare my mind from overthinking. so many nights spent tearing myself apart, wondering how things would have been if i had just done one thing differently. i keep searching for a word to accurately describe the feeling. it’s more profound than loss and it’s far worse than emptiness. it lingers and delves into the deepest parts of your soul until it consumes you and all you can think about, all you can feel is the deep void that took the place of everything that once made you feel alive. i often wonder if things will get better with time, or if i’ll be entangled in darkness for eternity.