#throwbackwednesday isn't a thing but whatever .. here's a low quality webcam photo from mid-2013.
During my honours research on suicide prevention, I can't help but wish I could have saved myself from the trauma of prolonged suicidality. I want to reach into the screen and rescue myself from that dark period of my life (or erase it entirely?).
There's crap like being told that I shouldn't wear short skirts in hospital because I was 'distrating other patients' (you could write a thesis on how problematic that was/is .. misuse of power dynamics by treatment staff (or my 'care team'), sexualisation of the youngest person on the ward, slut shaming, etc) or the countless times I left appointments with stated suicidal thoughts (even plans) and yet services were too busy so I was sent home. ♀️
This regret/sadness isn't exactly a healthy thought process but it's a huge motivation to protect others, advocate and elevate silenced voices and give a face to what it means to live with mental ill-health and distress. Because #itgetsbetter #butitalsogetsworse .. #recoveryisnonlinear
Finally, I feel like I should qualify this with the usual .. reach out for support, tell others how you feel, take care of yourself, it's okay to take medication, it's okay to try different therapists til you find one that works for you, blah, blah .. but sometimes it's worth pointing out that the system isn't perfect and navigating it is exhausting and (especially in hospital settings) low-key traumatic. Sorry.