Moments after hitting ‘post’ last Wednesday, my phone lit up. My mom was on the other end, “What’s going on?” She was worried, and I can understand why. What I shared was raw but I promised her, and I promise you, I’m okay. Good actually. I have hard moments, sure. We all do.
So this week I want to explain the motivation behind #WORKwednesday... When I moved to Vancouver last year I lost my voice. Literally. By the time I rolled into the city limits, I was running a fever and completely mute. Unable to whisper, not even hum. No vocal vibration, nothing, nada.
When I holed-up in my new home to heal, my mind went to a weird place: what if I never get it (my voice) back? Dramatic, yep, absolutely. But as a yoga teacher my voice is a crucial tool. And may I remind you I was ill, my mind was delirious. Once the fever broke I contemplated all the things I’d left unsaid, how I wanted to use my voice and what I had in me to say. I felt an urgency and responsibility to speak up.
Eventually I recovered audible function - but I’d become voiceless. Chalk it up to the stress of moving to a new city, maybe, but going forward I started communicating only at surface level. I found myself riddled with anxiety when teaching, hitting replay with my class messages, fumbling with my speech, recoiling from conversations and unsure of my opinions and point of view. Very unlike me. I became measured with my words and calculated with my interactions - terrified to fully express myself. I have never felt so weak, so uncertain and so far outside of myself.
In a years time I haven’t entirely resolved this issue, but I’ve begun to carve out and take ownership of the work I need to do. I find the most effective way to do this is to get specific with my feelings, experiences, thoughts and words. Writing is something I’ve always secretly enjoyed and it has become a medium that aids in the organization and articulation of what I’m wading through, while giving me an access point to expression. Posting to social media, for all your pretty eyes to read, is a method for me to stay accountable to my aim and way to breath life into the words by saying them ‘out loud’. Thanks for hearing them
Vancouver, British Columbia