I know if given the choice, he wouldn't have left us, my logical brain tells me this... But my #heart needs someone to #blame. For a long time, I did blame him. "Why didn't he take better care of himself?" "Why didn't he just let them operate?!" Even though we both knew that meant removing his colon.
I even blamed myself, "Why didn't I try harder to be a better more supportive wife and mother, maybe if I'd have just (fill in blank here) Why didn't I pray harder? It's my fault he's dead.
This went on for months. I played it over and over, back and forth in my head. I would #pray and beg #God for clarity in a situation that I had tried to make sense of for over a year. I drowned my sorrows in #alcohol and dead-end #relationships I knew wouldn't fulfill me but I just wanted to #numb the pain.
Then one day, I snapped! I yelled and screamed at #Him. I called Him every terrible rotten thing I could think of and I walked away. I cut God out of my life.
For nearly 2 years I played the victim and went thru the motions pretending everything was okay. I went to #church, participated actively on the #Worship team, sang the songs, listened to the sermons and went thru the motions... all to make it appear that I was 'fine' But... Inside, I was dying and my #faith needed a #resurrection.
For almost three years I wandered lost in a sea of confusion and heartache hoping that someone, anyone... Would ease my pain. Then, around October 2017 all that changed! I had finally had enough. I promised myself not to let #oppression and #depression rule my life anymore... I gave up, but more importantly, I gave in.
For the last two years, I broke free of my " Least Favorite Mistake" I learned to forgive myself, forgive God for taking him and trust again. This new chapter is unfolding and for me, it is both terrifying but also exhilarating.
I just remind myself: Nothing great ever came from complacency. Be bold!