I hate that you’re okay while my heart still skips a beat when I see your name pop up on my screen. That I still pray and hope that one day maybe we’ll realise we made a mistake and we’re meant to be.
I hate that I can’t move clocks faster. Because I‘m hurting and you’re the only one that cared enough to heal me but you’re not here anymore. I hate how easily you said I deserve someone better than you. You don’t get to make that decision.
I hate that I’ve mastered the art of faking a smile. A smile which never reaches my eyes. A smile in the day only to cry myself to sleep every night.
I hate how I can’t delete our chats because I want to read them to bed. But I need them more than I want them. I need to remember what went wrong. Because I forget. I need to have a piece of you to hold on to. And I wish I had the whole you. I wish I could turn back time. But for now these bedtime stories are all I have.
I hate that I can’t tell you I’m falling apart. That I need you more than ever before. Come hold me and tell me everything will be okay. That you’re there for me because you promised me you always would be.
But I cannot tell you that because I can’t share my burden with you. I won’t share it because I’m scared of your reaction. Terrified of how little effort you’d put in to help heal me. And that will break me.
And yet, I hate that I can’t pick up the phone and tell you I miss you. That I love you baby.
You were a keeper. And I hate that you’re gone.
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