Hey guys, this one is important. And long. So bear with me.
Ever since I was 12 I've had the tendency to feel this deep pain in my heart which has never made sense. I have been extremely fortunate in this life with my childhood, my health, with everything (obviously with a few inevitable heart breaks and aches on the way). Regardless, extremely fortunate.
The things I would feel wouldn't make sense to me but the pain was intense and unfortunately suicidal thoughts have and do occassionally occur.
To this day, nearly 10 years later, I still experience this. I've been putting myself into isolation for the past year and now I'm peeling back layers which I didn't know existed with such intensity.
Despite quality relationships with family and friends, I still feel loneliness on a level where you believe that, because you don't understand it yourself, no one does and therefore it is an 'unnecessary burden' to bring on others on a regular basis as there are no answers except for love, and self love.
Fortunately it's not a constant struggle as now I am older and have done a LOT of healing work and have proactively been taking actions to show myself genuine self love (doing things that are uncomfortable but needed, chosing nourishing and balanced friendships, and more). So, this is not a plea. This is not asking for you to check up on me or to tread lightly because honestly i'd probably do better if you tread harder (ok but be gentle if ur gonna do that).
I've left a serious relationship, moved out of home alone to a city, started my own business, and many accomplishments inbetween while STILL experiencing this and learning more about myself every day. Especially learning about how to handle yourself with love instead of destruction and self sabbotage. That's a big deal. You can still show up to life and show up for yourself while you may be on your own personal, sometimes painful journey. Learn to love yourself through the pain and it will gradually seem familiar and not as scary. Despite the on-going learning journey, I have turned into a goddamn boss ass human being with some serious resilience and a growing understanding of myself. You're doing great.