- I picked up my pencil cause I was feeling down. I started a healing drawing - and drawing you, thinking that maybe I would understand my feelings more if I could pin you down on paper. Maybe that’s what I needed, to draw someone I think is beautiful and well, you’re one of the most beautiful persons I know. So I doodled. I drew. The shape of a face, eyebrows, two eyes. But something didn’t feel quite right. So as I always do, I let my pencil go and picked up a black pen. When in doubt, I always try to make my art more bold and fierce : I use something I can not go back with. Never use an eraser. I want the unforgivable ink to give life to every pen stroke.
As I go on, I change my angle, and start a new drawing : it’s bigger, and it’s just one big eye now that takes up the whole page. I can still see the pencil shadows in the back of it, but don’t care : that’s what makes my art special, is what I think - my mistakes, and the fact that I own up to them. So I start drawing this big eye and suddenly realize that it’s not your eye I’m drawing. It’s so much more familiar. So much sadder. It’s my eye. In a frenzy I drop my pen and grab a paintbrush and some Chinese ink and just continue the healing drawing. it’s darker and darker now, but I can see my eye looking back at me and I can feel the pain. It reminds me of a picture a friend took of me on set one day. It’s dark and beautiful. There’s so much hurt in it.
I’ve been feeling guilty for feeling good lately. I’ve been feeling guilty for wanting to love, so I’ve been frantically hating myself, throwing shade at myself, and been extra-loving to people around me while constantly degrading myself. And I can recognize that pattern now. I am allowed to love myself - and it can be so complicated. Loving oneself is the foundation to any healthy relationship. Today my priority is for my brains and body to be more healthy. I will love myself, it will take time, but in the meantime I will make a constant effort to try and forgive myself. With a bit of time, it will all be alright; I know that. #saturdaynightdrawing #doodleoftheday #chineseink #painting #engraving #paintbrushes #ink #dark #selfportrait #eyebrows #eye