This is extremely personal and quite hard for me to post but i feel as if it’s time I do so :
I cannot explain the horror it is in having to tread on egg shells all the time.
One could say that this is my choice, that I am choosing to fill my mouth with glass shards, that I am sowing my own lips together.
Fight back they say, why don’t you fight back? But there is a certain sense of shame speaking this anger in which I do not understand.
I feel exploited everyday of my life.
I am forever ridiculed, shamed, and tormented.
I ponder how long one can pretend as if the hauntings have stopped - how long one can forget that they are in chains before they are dragged back into the abyss.
How long do I have to sit here like a caged dog; vulnerable, helpless, afraid.
How long does my blood have to drip from my lips as i am shamed into biting my tongue.
How much longer do I have to keep squeezing my eyes shut and turning the other way so I won’t wake the sleeping dragon - mouth full of flames.
I am constantly made to feel ashamed, guilty, invalidated for my rage.
So i try to suppress it.
I try to tell myself that the world has enough hate as it is, that speaking my truth would only cause more karmic chaos.
I am the dog that does not obey,
I am the dog who does obey.
It makes no difference.
I am manipulated into believing I am pure filth. I am on the floor curled into a ball shaking whilst words like crazy, sick, dirty, slut, whore, fake, brain dead, useless are thrown my way.
I am buried alive and left for dead, suffocating as my lungs fill up with dirt.
I am resurrected again and again and again only to watch helplessly as I am devoured.