~ FDOE ~
-Bfast- Mexican hot chocolate cashew latte /purchased the dark roast and made it at home, lol
-Lunch- Strawberries, cucumber, and black forest ham with balsamic cottage cheese and peanut butter toast -Snack - Meditternean flatbread - Basil tahini spread inspired by @upbeetandkaleingit , mozzarella, onion, spinach, roasted red peppers, and avocado
-Dinner- Caulirolls with oshinko, cucumber, avocado, spinach, and pepper jack cheese spread - Dessert - Chilled banana cream egg white oats w/ banana, strawberries, cheerios, birthday cake cookie crisp, peanut butter, and whipped cream
Probably will have another snack before bed but I felt like posting this now ~
So. A small update, as promised.
I find myself being drawn to old behaviors for a sense of security and safety amidst an amalgam of family changes.
My sister is moving to Japan.
My dad is struggling with his mental illness and alcohol dependency.
I'm just....living day to day, obsessing over what I can/want/should eat, then obsessing over how I shouldn't be giving that so much attention. My night eating is becoming more of a habit as I recently have not started eating until after 1pm/some days until 4/ and hoard most of my calories.
A weird hurdle I can't seem to get over is the dissonance surrounding my body.
One day I'll see myself and I'll feel literal fear and concern over how frail I appear. The next minute I'm thinking that I've never been more content with my reflection. I prefer looking sickly over being obese, and I can't shake the idea that refeeding myself to nutritionally rehabilitate might just make me huge again.
What if my body WANTS to be 200+lbs? I couldn't deal with that, so I'm terrified to forgo restriction and even try for real food freedom.
I know that I need to push through this to be healthy.
Physically, mentally, I feel just as poorly as I did while restricting. /my digestion is a bit better but that warrants a separate post of its own altogether, lol/
I don't know how much longer my body is going to work with me.
I need to start treating myself better, being kind and not critical, take my own advice and beat this into the ground before I end up there /cont