Before my #diagnosis, nothing made sense. I didn’t understand why I would take 2 steps forward but 30 back. #Failure after failure, job after job, losing relationships, unregulated #emotion and almost losing the entire #fight. Each time I fell I wanted to find a way to #heal. I wanted to feel #balance, and I wanted to let go of the #pain I felt for so long. I would capsize from failure with every attempt to heal. I went into defense mode for over three years which was followed by unemployment and self destruction – all while being told I’m a gracious, humble, #beautiful, #kind, talented, genuine person. I could never believe anything people would tell me. How could I be those things? I wasn’t perfect. I had failed everything I ever attempted. I spent over a decade of my #life battling an illness that needed #care I was refused to be given. The willingness is there. The #desire to be the best that I can be is there. But when something consumes you like #sadness, #hate, #anger, frustration, and instability from a #mentalillness – it becomes all too real to want to stay afloat anymore. You question what’s #worthit. You wonder why you can’t stop the #badhabits. You question the words you say when you don’t mean them. Options become smaller and smaller, and the #reality of breaking becomes more in reach. When you get to a ‘rock bottom’ you wonder if there is even another choice. You wonder if you’re #strong enough to reach. You beat yourself so far down, the #world and everything in it doesn’t matter anymore. Somehow, you get up off the bathroom floor to keep trying, but you #judge yourself that you even got there and it kills your mind. It forces a #perception of yourself that you don’t even know is creating something permanent. You wonder why you got there, and yet you know exactly why – an #illness. Bad habits that can’t be broken because you don’t know how to break them. You try to catch your #breath, and you’re hit with another wave of pure hate. Judgment overwhelms you, and you’re breaking again. The #emotions become harder to fight. They’re telling you you’re the one at fault, to give up the fight - and then you see the razor.