i’ve been trying to center my art practice again in all ways, but particularly as an actor. from the outside eye, it probably doesn’t look like i haven’t been centering it. i’m performing, i’m out there. but there’s always a lingering sense that more can be done, i know part of this is true, a gemini can always benefit from more discipline! but the other part is people who aren’t doing the work are getting the space/time/money/access/resources simply for existing within the realm of beauty/the aesthetic of the moment, and i say both of these things, because there are many folks who may not fall under what is considered conventionally beautiful/attractive/desirable under white cishet patriarchy but fall within aesthetic interest as an idea, and then eventually into beauty/desire. in some ways, the acceptance of certain queer aesthetic falls under this. as an art maker, who’s self and physical form is part of the work, how can i reckon with the fact that i will never be treated honestly? that my work will never be seen honestly? that my talent and ability will never been seen honestly? that my fatness and queerness and transness renders me in the cultural eye, unable to emote through the stories of others, that my lack of social currency/desirability is seen as an impediment to picking up a script, folks thinking i don’t have the knowledge or heart to understand their words and bring a life to them. when i write this all out, it all seems so sad, cause while yes of course, all of these things are complex and systemic, they are also deeply simple if you just take a second, so deeply apart of life it doesn’t seem wrong, except when you are the wrong, then it feels crushing, and all this, just to chase the joy of art .
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