I fall asleep with her, then wake up & prepare her #schoollunch. As tired as I am, I derive so much pleasure from my #mommyduties: :) something so mundane has a deep meaning to me. I've prepared plenty of lunches & dinners for other children; especially my nieces & nephew. Also for children I took care of as a nanny. I really believed that I would never do so for my own child. After 4 miscarriages with one being beyond traumatizing for me, I made peace that motherhood wasn't in the stars for me. I wasn't bitter or sad as I've had plenty of others children to love & be loved by. I also worked as a teacher with grades 1st-5th . My motherly instincts were never wasted & I had many personal passions to pursue which filled my time & made me happy. I was fulfilled & closed the chapter of having biological children. If I had a happy marriage I would have probably eventually adopted. But that wasn't going where I wanted it.
Sarah being conceived not only shocked me, but rocked my entire reality. She wasn't planned (at least not by me) therefore I always feel so gifted and blessed with her after I had long discarded the idea that I'd have my own biological child. #miscarriages & my husband didn't want children. All together I agreed that it's not something my body could do.
But Sarah's dad, knowing all this, was still convinced that with him, I would have a successful pregnancy. He said that his body felt stronger when he was with me. The closest he's felt like that was when he was high on drugs, which he wasn't when we were together- (at least not until the last horrible 6 months of our 3.5 year relationship- when he fell back & away from his blessings) He was convinced that the vigor & natural high & his first ever real hope for a good future being with me, meant, the force of life was upon us both. He just "knew" that together we'd have the most amazing & beautiful child, as he's never felt like he did with any other woman before me let alone that I would make a great #mom -Yes, he was in love, but he was also 100% right.
He might have fallen away from himself as much as from us, but Sarah carries within her all that hope and love and magic. Cont in comments.