Body shaming was all around me growing up. “You look like you can skip a meal,” was something I heard often as a kid and still have the voice in my head. I ate out of pain and spite when I was younger, thinking that I had control over it becoming a closet eater. When seminary talk started in 12th grade the fear of coming home the following year as Shamu scared me. That gap year was notorious for girls to gain so much weight. So, it began. My fear of food. I omitted part of the food pyramid and labeled them as #BAD. If I ate them I failed and labeled myself as BAD. My goal that year in seminary was to practice my skills at grazing my food, walk everyday around Har Nof, fight off the temptations from the delicious smells from Angels Bakery and either lose weight or maintain the weight I started the year off with.I succeeded! I maintained. When I got back I wasn’t happy. I wanted more.So, I looked to restrict more. I remember the night I took on the next thing to label as BAD. I 1st binged on it. Feeling so uncomfortable; I literally couldn’t stomach it and needed to get rid of that feeling. I went to the bathroom and turned on all the faucets to mask the noise of the first time I purged. I went straight to the scale after. That was the 1st time it was clear I was a slave to the number on the scale. Restriction, binging and purging was in full bloom shortly after. Binging not just on raw veggies and water,but exercising too. I was so private about it. The shame was internal. So was the disappointment. The number on the scale wasn’t budging. I was frustrated. Diet pills started. I needed endless energy to work out! The purging went from 1-2 times a week to 4 to 5. Social settings became harder. It became so routine, I was in denial. Until the Phycology of Eating Disorder class I took in college. The professor was talking about ME. I mustered up the #courage to speak to her at the end of the semester, and for the 1st time come face to face with my body issues. She directed me to speak with specialists. I kept a journal on when I ate, what I ate, how I felt and who I was around (usually no one). It was a scary reality check. But that was just the start.Cont. in com.