The first thing that came to mind when I was told I had osteoporosis was "Barbara, you just fucked yourself up"
I was in denial. I couldn't believe that I had finally become "that person" that gets sick, that destroys her body, that loses the possibility to living a normal and wholesome life, all due to her eating disorder. I never felt like I could potentially be "a statistic". I couldn't digest the idea that I was very well becoming another number, another figure, an add on to the data, that eating disorders have the highest mortality rate in any given mental illness. I was shocked. I still feel like this is a nightmare I haven't woken up from.
I swallowed hard, trying not to cry in that hospital bed I sat in in the ER when I got my x-ray results. I starred down at my trembling hands, my washed out jeans and cold feet. I couldn't let myself breathe. My heart was pounding too fast and my head hurt from the news, I was forgetting to inhale.
I was back at square one. The very same square I was put in over 10 years ago as I sat at the Montreal Children's Adolescent Clinic. "You have to gain weight"
I had become such an actress at this point, "I knew," I replied.
Here I am today, within the very same box of no return. I have limited choices, no where to go but forward, and few options to feel any release.
I have to gain weight. I know. This time though I'm not bluffing. I'm not enacting Act 1 Scene 5 in the chronicles of What It's Like To Have An Eating Disorder, this time I am genuinely answering, believing, and even wanting to pursue this thing I have to do.
I have to gain weight. Fuck, I know this, I hate this, but I have to do it.
Weight restoration is the primary form of healing and stopping any further bone loss. By restoring one's weight back to a healthy range, one hopes that they resume menstruation so estrogen can be produced naturally. Estrogen is important because estrogen it helps our bone cells work when it comes to utilizing its molecular functions. Bone cells have two intracellular steroid receptors for estrogen, which in turn binds to the estrogen for various genes to become active. (Continued in comments)