Over the years I have struggled with so much. ... one of them is my ability to be around others. .
I have always been a loner. During my years as a young adult, people thought I was queer because I wasn’t typical. I’d rather go for a walk, alone, than be in a crowd drinking. I struggled with this for years. I felt bad I didn’t want to be around people.... I hated myself for not being like the other girls. I’m not chatty, I hate small talk, I could not care any less about clothes, accessories and shit. People summed up my uncomfortableness with, I must be gay.... which is funny to me now but when I was younger it caused some mega inner turmoil. It shows me now, how small minded people are because I know lots of gay women that love clothes and are chatty as all heck! Being a weird loner doesn’t equal gay. .
Being a weird loner that can’t be around people usually equals major trauma. People, like me, that have been hurt by our caregivers at a very young age have no ability to trust others. It’s not even just about trust, it’s about brain damage. Because my hyper arousal has been on for my whole life, I can feel people. I am constantly scanning and summing up my surroundings. I take notice of little details of everything around me,the most subtle things but my brain is taking it ALL in. That also means all my other senses are also hyper aroused. My hearing is acute, my sense of smell is heightened, and I’m very sensitive to touch. I have attention deficit because I’m constantly going from one sense to another, in rapid succession inside my head. All this makes for awkward conversation. Then to top it all off, my anxiety makes me talk loud, fast and emotionally charged. .
So I’m a loner. Now that I’m older, I don’t care so much anymore. I am the way I am because my parents were shitty and traumatized me at a young age. I do more of what makes me happy these days, and being alone makes me a better person. .
#ramblesfrommybrain #ptsd #complextrauma #cptsd #brainhealth #mentalhealth #anxiety #depression #insidemyhead #keeptrying