Honesty hour with a TW
Today I woke up late and essentially missed breakfast. Then I decided that since I was going to get a drink tonight, I shouldn’t have a big lunch before work. Then at work I got really upset about something I don’t even remember now and threw out my dinner. Then my healthy self kicked in and I had a cookie and a donut hole from work to make up for some of what I missed. Dragging my feet, I picked up this pint after work to get me back on track with my calories. Now I’m pissed because I’m full but still under my meal plan so I have to eat even more. Being full is a huge trigger for me and I’m just having an incredibly hard time sitting with the fullness and not acting on purging urges. I’m having a hard time convincing myself to meet my meal plan given all of this.
I also feel like a fake because I had behaviors/symptoms last week, thus *showing* my therapist that I was hurting, but I’ve yet to have symptoms this week, so “obviously” I’m making this whole eating disorder thing up, I was only in treatment because they felt bad for me, and I’m mentally well and just want attention.
I talked to a friend tonight who reminded me that my eating disorder is still valid even if I don’t act on my urges because it is still causing problems mentally. I can struggle AND not use behaviors. I can have both. #dbt
I’m going to take a break from eating to shower and meal plan (begrudgingly) for tomorrow. Opposite action is a weird thing. I’m both proud of and disgusted with myself. Holding both.
More negative than I would usually share on here. However, I think it’s important to remember that recovery really sucks sometimes AND we can still make good choices. I share the negatives tonight because lately recovery has been hard, and I know I’m not alone in this. AND I hope to be the Healthy Bad Guy tonight and remind y’all (and myself) to not take things out on your body. “Recovery isn’t about what you want; it’s about what you need.” Tonight I need to keep eating, not have symptoms, and go to bed.