Today has been difficult. Therapy is always difficult. But for some reason, today was a complete burst pipe of water works.
Ive used the word "failure" throughout because today, Its how I feel.
Ive stated I've "failed" as a mum. I've "failed" as a friend. I've "failed" as a daughter, a sister. I've "failed" myself.
My therapist reminded me of the strength despite me feeling exhausted. She's reminded me of the inspiration I am, despite me feeling like sometimes my world has gone to pot and feeling like getting Matthew through a day gives me relief that we have succeeded another day without trauma. She has reminded me that it's ok to cry about Thomas (and my god I cried so much today), it's ok to feel frustrated about social and health care for Matthew. It's ok that I'm not working - because I'm recognising I'm still living trauma.
She reminded me that I am recovering, not damaged. Despite feeling like I don't know who I am anymore. She wishes for me not to use the word "failure" and has 100% belief in me. She reminded me that I'm still here, that I am loved, that my family know I love them and that one little boy has the best parents he could ever wish for.
She reminded me to have time to myself just to sup a glass of wine and enjoy a bath, but mostly, she reminded me that I have a doting husband who knows how it feels and to find time for each other. Make time for each other. Get a babysitter at least once a month even if it means we go for a walk or a drive by ourselves.
She also reminded me that people who chose to leave, don't matter. Tomorrow is a new day. Another attempt at breaking down my barriers.
I am important, our trauma is important, our kids are important, our happiness is important and one little boy needs his mummy to be strong enough to fight the huge hurdles ahead of us.
#ptsd #childloss #preemie #23weekertwins #trauma #onestepatatime #littlethingsdomatter #keepstrong #rememberingthomas #matthew #lucy #life #movingforward #cantjustgetoverit #notdamaged #bereavement