Artist: Mary Shyne
Bad pain days are---bad, combined with mental health conditions they are nasty. Sometimes they make me so angry at my body, the world. The fucking need to perform is infuriating on these days, perform being a 'normal' functional human being. When all I want to do is not get out of bed at all, that is all I am actually capable of. But I need to push and 'get on with the day'. How many recovery days can one afford? I can't afford too many- one, because I have to work, make a living & two, because my head doesn't let me. I find myself doing the most tiring things even when I am not at work & am feeling like I want a herd of elephants to walk all over my body- I finish a long pending gardening chore or decide to cook dinner. It is not just because my head won't let me be- things keep piling up, chores line up because I haven't managed to get them done on other days. I thought I am so stuck on housekeeping because my mother never cared about it but I see that my sister is very chilled about her home.
There are times when I get snappy, overwrought but I don't know how to tell that to those around me because nobody cared for the longest time & people were also dismissive. Now that there are folk who want to listen- too often, I don't know how to talk about it. On a bad day I also have an irrational expectation that they know how I am feeling, find ways to comfort me. But I also want to just yell- fuck off at everyone, want to disappear.
I am so utterly exhausted with this whole cycle. Yet when I saw this artwork, I felt a tug of recognition. I do take one day at a time- most days. I have learnt to count the small tasks- most days. It is the bad days that mess everything up.
#chronicillness #chronicpain #chronicfatigue #mentalhealth #mentalillness #living