I smashed a saucepan today. It was a cheap one, but I hit it a few times with a stainless steel frypan. I was feeling so ‘stretched’, ready to snap. And it felt so good to let go. Mr 3 shouted ‘stop makin’ noise mummy!’, so I apologised and cleaned up the mess. My husband came out and asked ‘you okay? I thought it was too rhythmic to be T [the toddler]’
It wasn’t any one thing. Just one of those weeks that come at you every now and then to keep you on your toes. Lots of little annoyances. Things that trip you up or don’t go your way. Urgent admin tasks you can’t get to, a sick child, never ending washing that just won’t dry, blisters on both feet, a dishwasher that’s not working properly, forgetting to buy milk, a cat howling every day at 3am, a shitty landlord who won’t repair the air conditioner, a husband travelling for work, a haircut that’s not quite right, friends who feel so far away - the relentless, exhausting life of a mum with little kids.
I found myself sat in the car listening to baby cry cry cry his heart out (recent aversion to car travel) trying to take deep breaths and do some mindfulness meditation. I pictured myself on a beach, then walking around an art gallery, then ANYWHERE else. .
Of course it didn’t help. Not when Mr 3 told me he was hungry for the millionth time. And then asked why my eyes were closed (I wasn’t driving!). Coffee helped. So did fresh air and sunshine and swimming with my beautiful little family. A pub lunch. A trip to buy a house plant (we ended up with a bloody Venus fly trap but that seems about right ). A visit with the grandparents. A piece of white mud cake. Agreeing to get takeaway for dinner. The countdown to bedtime, when I can enjoy a glass of wine and some trash TV.
I’m sure I could handle these weeks better. I’ve no doubt some mums find a constructive way - other than wine and coffee and sugar and Instagram venting and saucepan casualties - to shake it off. But I figure if I get up each day, and keep trying, that’s enough. I’m enough. And fuck it we needed a better saucepan anyway. I didn’t even hit it that hard