I read the story of Fox 2 meteorologist Jessica Star’s death from an apparent suicide. She is a reminder that those of us who smile brightest, laugh loudest, and seem to have the world in the palm of our hands, sometimes struggle the most. In every clip they showed of her, she seemed happy and full of life.
When I was having suicidal thoughts during my pregnancy, I was feeling quite ready to go. I thought I would be better off, my unborn child would be better off, and so would my surviving family members. One day, it was like someone turned on a light switch, albeit a dim one. It was in that moment of clarity that I called my husband and reported my thoughts to him. I was calm, cool, and collected as I told him I had been thinking of killing myself. I also told him that if/when I decided to do it, there would be no warning. No phone call. No way to help me, because I would just do it; because I would be ready and wouldn’t want to be saved.
Admittedly, today I’m not feeling my best, even with the increase in my meds, I seem to be fluctuating daily. But I’m not in that dark place where I’m contemplating suicide, not yet, but I’m more than aware of how easily my mind could slip there. It scares me. To not feel in control of...my feelings.
KNOW THIS: Suicide is not a cowardly move for those who suffer mental illness. It takes courage to end a life not knowing if the life you’re about to enter into will be better or worse than the hell you’ve already experienced. ———————————
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