WHY DO I *STILL* FEEL (BAD/ANGRY/SAD/SCARED/NEGATIVE)?? I did all the right things: meditated, exercised, ate foods my body liked, did cleansing practices, journaled, read book after book... ...and still felt off somehow. ...melancholy. ...socially anxious.
And it all just made me want to eat.
I was SO DISSAPOINTED that I could work this hard and still feel bad... ...still not be happy with my body. ...still sad, ashamed, and constantly wanting to eat.
Still, still, still.
And it felt like, if I have to work THIS hard, I might just be lost cause.
I might as well give up (hello, binge). But of course post-binge, the high of re-planning my perfect diet would keep me going.
Until that high wore off and I was left feeling the same old way, all over again.
I was doing all of this STUFF to FINALLY just feel happy and free... ...like I was not just good but EXTRAORDINARY and worthy of respect. ...not just content but absolutely BLISSFUL all the time.
And every time I wasn't those things, I felt deeply ashamed.
I felt ashamed for being SAD, UPSET, or SCARED because I should have worked through all of that by now!
But what I didn't realize was that every time I shamed myself for say, sadness, I was shaming a part of me that was sad for a REASON - and it would only ever be in gentleness and curiosity that I could understand those reasons.
Every time I lamented over STILL being in a certain place, I completely shut myself off from my own love. (This is part 1 of this post, part 2 is in today’s newsletter - link in the bio!)