Self care evening featuring @lushcosmetics Super Dad bath bomb and some @drteals epsom salts because good lordy I am emotional and I am hurting (physically). First off, physical pain, so much pain from going to a theme park yesterday. I hate myself every time, but I keep going because I have a season pass and it makes me happy when nothing else can - and it brings Rosie so much joy to see the characters. Still, not a good mix with having a pain disorder, so I’ve been on muscle relaxants and trying to take it easy.
Second, emotional pain. So much of that. I’ve been in a horrible, horrible place. Wildly hopeless, without much to keep me going or get me up in the morning apart from Rosie (and thank god for her). My numbers are insanely low, lower than they’ve ever been. My therapist gave the the ultimatum of going to the hospital or getting a ketamine treatment, and both he and I agree I do not do well with hospitals. So, we scheduled another infusion for Tuesday. Just have to get there. So far as therapy goes, I’ve been worried that I wouldn’t be approved for more sessions (long story short my insurance is terrible and had me on a temporary therapy situation due to overcrowding, and also had me misdiagnosed as only having panic disorder [I have a lot more going on than that]), but apparently once my therapist properly diagnosed me with a very severe diagnosis (read: high liability), the insurance immediately handed over more sessions. I know this isn’t the last of my problems with them, but my therapist is an incredible advocate, and I trust him entirely. I’ve been depressed for awhile now, but realizing I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and basically having to leave absolutely everything behind - my partner, my home, and my friends was such a jarring and difficult experience, that it’s really done a number on me and has proven itself extremely difficult to cope with. I hardly sleep at night and when I do, it’s riddled with nightmares, I’m sickened by memories of the neglect in the relationship, then I continually make excuses for the behavior and belittle myself and put myself down and tell myself I’m unworthy. The whole thing is a mess.