We cut up time by the spinning wobble of this misshapen globe as it swirls around a giant ball of celestial fire. This happens as we throttle 828,000 kilometres an hour in a stellar cluster that in turn spirals around a super-massive black hole. Our existence is terrifyingly mortal; it’s bleak in its finitude, while the universe we find ourselves in is plausibly infinite. I suspect most don’t usually think about time, let alone contemplate an infinity that overwhelms the very thoughts that think it. It’s easy to see our existence as small, our day-to-day world irreverent and irrelevant. Yet from this infinite madness comes the matter that makes us—a collection of inanimate minerals and elements emergent as life—that will most probably never reassemble into us again. Neil Cross, while writing for ”Doctor Who”, pens with beautiful clarity that “The elements came together and burst apart forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe.” I agree. Our living, breathing, slimy, chaotic, bleak and brightly coloured existence is by the nature of existence vastly significant. Every day we live amidst the implausible; the improbable; the impossible.
This collection of days we call a year had many challenges, and in the end, I’m grateful to be witness to them. I am not shy of my emotions—I ride them like tides and hurricanes—but I was not prepared for the gravity of Sherlock’s sudden death despite it truly being very expected. I’m not hurt because he died, but rather it‘s how he died that broke me. I’m no stranger to depression, and sadness has a way of seeping in and filling all your cracks till little pieces of you float away. I know this. I feel this. I also know that Sherlock’s heart was not well for years, and the strain of cancer was a powerful force, but I will never forgive this maddening infinite universe for his final departure. He was the only being who was always truly excited to see me, who felt the world with me. He just did not need to die that way.
[FINISHED IN THE COMMENTS]
Vancouver, British Columbia