There’s this person in my head. She is brilliant, capable, strong, and confident. She’s me, only so much better and I’m afraid I’ll never become this person because something keeps getting in the way.
~ Paraphrased from Grey’s Anatomy
#realtalk Does anyone else feel this way?! I’ve been feeling this way for awhile and it wasn’t until yesterday that I started to get a grip on why I feel stuck, sad, defeated, angry, and frustrated. My psychiatrist helped me put a word to what has been going on: shame. Apparently shame is a common feeling after a traumatic event and for me this has been brewing for almost 2 years at this point. In retrospect, the shame was insidious in the way that is became slowly pervasive. I didn’t even consciously realize what was happening. All I knew was the more aggressive feelings of anxiety, weakness, worthlessness, and uselessness. In retrospect, I have started to slowly socially isolate myself from embarrassment which only makes things worse. It has lead me to look for comfort in inappropriate places like food leading to some weight gain making everything even worse. .
It is definitely going to be a fight to change my frame of mind but what I do know is that I want to become that person in my head. I know that what’s within you is stronger than what’s in your way. Even though I am in my own way, my drive to succeed and be a better and stronger person is there. It’s time to get working in therapy, with strength training, increase my overall fitness, and improve my diet. Here’s to becoming that person! 🍻👊
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