I started a new job and within two weeks I was promoted and given a $2.50 raise. Things have been insanely busy but I have been rocking it. .
Then last night it happened. .
It came up that one of my coworkers suffers from a mental health disorder.
She was not privy to this conversation and the conversation wasn't about bashing her or anything of the sort, more a matter of fact statement. .
Everything in me was ready to say it. To say the words that I am in fact, BiPolar. But... it didn't happen. I choked. The words got stuck in my throat . They just froze there. As I willed myself to share my truth, the words were stuck like gum to a shoe and the moment passed, and I just, walked away.
I instantly felt like a fake, a phony, a liar. I pride myself in owning my convictions. I preach to you all how acceptance is freeing. Yet, in that movement, I was a hypocrite. I couldn't bring myself to own it.
I don't know if I didn't want it to be known at work, or if I feared that my position of power would be questioned by my "inabilities" . .
Maybe for once I enjoyed my new mask that wasn't painted over with marks of my indiscretions and scars of my past. .
Either way, today, my decision haunts me. .