Who am I missing? I still do this every day. Do the head count and feel like I'm missing someone. I keep wondering which kid is hiding somewhere that I can't find them. It's almost an unconscious thought. More just a feeling like I'm missing something, I'm not keeping an eye on everyone that I'm supposed too.
Aria's presence is here, but missing every single day. I'm so glad I get to raise this little girl, but everything she does shows me how much I've missed in my other little girl.
Grief comes and goes for me. It's here and heavy and it's gone. It's happy and sad. Yearning and thankful. Anxious and at peace. Laughing and crying. Joyful and depressing.
None of this is bad... It just is. Part of grief, part of life. I want to embrace all parts of it, because it's normal, natural, and it allows me to embrace who I am now. Who I have become after Aria died.
My color wheel of emotions is more vibrant, I'm more compassionate, I'm so in tune with my emotions, I have more appreciation for life, and how quickly it can end.
I'm also a little more anxious, a little more jaded, a little less naive.
It's all a part of me. Grief is woven into my being. Being Aria's mother is one of the greatest gifts I could have asked for.
Who are you missing today? Who is so special in your life, that the love for them never dies, and they are with you every moment?