(2/2. See last post) #Thanksgiving was proof to me that I am moving the right direction in terms of #selflove and #wellness. It was just Logan, his two partners (my metamours), and I. I had an #anxietyattack that morning. I thought I would be in the way and unable to help because my brain was extra slow and foggy, so I thought it was maybe best to not attend. 💔
I was wrong, of course.
They all reassured me via text (I can’t speak well or answer phones during anxiety attacks) that they wanted me there and that I could literally sit in the corner and do nothing and it wouldn’t change that fact. They told me I’m worth more than my usefulness. I showed up and was met with enthusiasm. And while everyone was rushing around, cooking, and cleaning, I was still #welcomed. When my brain calmed down I was able to help. I was only really able to calm down once I realized nothing was required of me to #bepresent. I was given the space to be included and still work through my demons, use my coping skills, without requiring any of them to “fix me.” No co-dependent behavior, no shaming, just respecting #boundaries and held space. 💗
My #chosenfamily and I were able to sit down and eat together. We all said what we were #thankful for. We all ate and laughed. People only used #spoons where they had spoons. And somehow I had the most relaxed thanksgiving meal I’ve had to date. I had an anxiety attack and yet felt more peace at a holiday meal than ever before. When people #love you without expectations you are set #free. It was important we were #together and that was all.
Not to mention, it was absolutely delicious.
I’m learning to make #peace with myself. Life is harder in ways than ever before. Yet, the more I forgive myself, the more I love myself. I feel like I’m flailing and falling and I’ve made lots of mistakes. But I’m coming to terms with that. I’m learning how to #fail. I don’t think I ever really learned how to fail. I use to have so much fear and while I’m anxious a whole heck of a lot more than ever, I’m #notfearful.
I will get it eventually. It’s the #journey and not the destination. 💜
Remember to #belove.