ABOUT FORTS AND HEARTS ❤
For years my heart has been shut. Unable to love, unable to let people in. Deeply wanting to be loved, yet fiercely hidding myself, scared of being exposed.
For years I have lived completely from my mind. Plotting every single move required to keep my mind satisfied and my heart untouched.
Wanting to feel deeply but only allowing myself to feel as much I could deal with, steeping out of the way as soon as I was close to the edge. Pretending to go all in, but rather running away just in time. Just in case.
It could be the ayurvedic treatment, it could be meditation, it might have been the people I came across with, or it could be just my "travelling mood". But I felt my heart opening up. I felt love for people I have never seen before and I might never see again.
I had to do nothing.
And I had a glimpse.
But it is not easy to knock down a wall built for decades. And I feel my heart resisting, going back to where it feels safe.
But I don't want to.
If there is fear, I must feel the fear and go beyond.
If there is disappointment, I have to accept it and let go.
I must learn how to live. I must learn how to love.
I am not healed yet, but I am on my way. (Rajasthan, Jan 2019)
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