Tired of waiting in line at the Post Office? Scared of the unexplained blood pouring from the P.O. Boxes? Confused by screams that no one else hears? Terrified of leaving your home? Try Stamps.com.
With Stamps.com, you can print your own postage and avoid the long lines and predatory birds so common at the Post Office. You can even have your postal carrier pick up your packages, as long as you are careful never to look the carrier in the eyes, as this is a sign of aggression and you may scare your postal carrier away.
Sign up today and receive $50 worth of self loathing, and a free scale – so you can arbitrarily assign numbers to material objects.
To claim your new member benefits, simply visit Stamps.com, and press your forehead against the screen until your entire body falls forwards into the alternate Stamps.com universe.
Stamps.com will tell your family you loved them very much.
Stamps.com will tell your family that Stamps.com loves them very much. “Come here, family. You are all our family now,” Stamps.com will say, stretching their many boneless arms around your terrified family. “Come here. We are all loving family.” Stamps.com. You live in a dying world. We love you.
#stamps #usps #stampsdotcom #postoffice #keywest