One of the first poems i wrote after starting again nearly 2 years ago. I wrote a lot as a kid, & through high school, but hardly anything since. I hate to admit that i stopped because i completely lost myself, but that is what happened. I listened to everyone else, when i should have only listened to myself. I remember telling my family from a young age that i was going to be a poet, & being totally put down for it. I was told that no one makes money as a poet & it was impossible. I kept writing for a while, but i always felt a deep shame for wanting to do something so unacceptable. Eventually i believed it too, & pursued a well-paying & revered career, which was completely encouraged & not shamed.
Even when i felt like i was dying inside & my body developed disease & my anxiety sky-rocketed 24/7 (imagine having panic attacks everyday, & that is what feels ‘normal,’ so you don’t even recognize them as such)... i was still told that it was best for me to stay. I stayed one more semester, & halfway through realized I’d either need to be medicated or quit— or kill myself. So i quit. I knew the answer inside me. No one understood my decision but me, but it didn’t matter. That was the beginning of facing my fear & realizing what i needed in my environment to thrive.
That was 4 years ago.
& I’m still deeply grateful i began listening to myself.
No one knows what you need in life, but you. I see now how the ones who told me to ignore my desires were the ones ignoring their own. They were the ones who sacrificed their dreams for “success” & security.
There is no security except that which is inside yourself. Everything can fall apart & be destroyed at any time. Only the love inside yourself is real & can be flowed as energy into what is a reflection of your essence.
& that is different for every human.
We all want to feel connected & less alone, but we cannot accomplish that if we deny our own emotions & desire for our life.